There is a moment of laughter, a moment of tears and a moment of fear, but either way, if you are in tune to Abba (God), then you realize that there is a comfort in your current situation. As Christians, we believe that once you accept God into your life, everything becomes perfect. Naturally, it isn't. There are going to be trials and victory throughout your life. Like in a classroom, you are going to excell in some courses but in others you struggle, (because most of us struggle with math) and you fail a few tests before realizing you need a tutor for extra help. You need someone that understands the math problem. So, because we realize life is not going to be "perfect" we design our lives to be "perfect" and lie about what is really happening in us. We hide the tears and the fear; we hide the anger and depression; we hide what we truly feel.
Mother told me this experience she had one morning, one of the coldest mornings we have had living in a home without walls:
One morning she awoke, waking up at her usual biological alarm clock set to six a.m. During this time, we could not afford sleeping in the campsite, so we were out in our vehicles in the parking lot. And, as part of her daily routine, Mom woke to read some scripture and had a time for prayer before delighting herself in her personal pool of memories.
On this particular morning, Mom's memories travled back to her ex-husband, my biological father, Josh (Alias) and my aunt Lisa (Alias). Fantasies fluttered in her mind of Josh, now married and making good money, living in a warm house and sleeping soundly. She thought of her sister Lisa and how she was sleeping with food in her stomach and comfort surrounding her home. To give a little excerpt about these two and how they have effected my mother's life, betrayal, lies and harsh judgement in the form of hurtful words exist between my mother and these two. These two close individuals had done and said things that hurt my family.
I do want to take a moment to give both Josh and Lisa credit that there are two sides to the story and I am certain they hold different feelings towards my family, but again I would have to say that I can only understand my side of the story and it will be the version I write. However, I will refrain from that explaination and leave the history in the past.
My mother began to start tear up. "Why me?" She asked God. "Why did I deserve this?" She turned to see my younger sister, Charlie, sleeping next to her in the passenger side of the small car, covered in a thick blanket. Her heart felt heavy and sad, comparing her life to those that have hurt her.
God reached out and touched her heart. His gentle words gave her comfort. "It's okay ... You can cry. I know you know that everything will be alright. I know that you trust me. Let it out, but know that I am here."
Sad, happy, angry, scared and even depressed, God realizes we are in need to expose our emotions. In truth we can hide our troubles and thoughts from our human bretheren, but not from the creator who knows the hearts and minds of every man on earth.
Even though I could go on and on about how much God knows about us, let me put it into an example:
When a child falls onto the ground, right after a nasty stumble, the child's eyes fill with liquid fear and pain. The ideal parent, granted not one of the parents today, would run out, kneel down to wrap their arms around the child and inspect them. If you would imagine this in your mind, what words would you think parent would say? I hear the words, "What happened? Where does it hurt?"
Can the child answer in a solid voice without blubbering up and crying? No. The child sobs and tries to point out where is hurts. Perhaps the parent had seen where the child had fallen and there is comfort to know that there is no serious damage, however the parent automaticaly fears and inspects the child, asking what happened? Where does it hurt.
You stumble, you fall, you scrape your knee, God hugs you and asks what happened? Where does it hurt? He then proceeds to do what the ideal parent does; he comforts you and tells you not to cry.
Many would take what I have just written and say, "But God is in control of everything. If he is in control of everything, why does he kill, harm or make life hard on us all? I guess God just wants us to look to him after what he does to us."
Consider the rest of my mother's experience:
The next morning, my mother awoke to get dressed in the fast food diner's restroom a few blocks away. After a good "spit-bath," Mom drove to work on that cold morning. As she stopped at a red light, she noticed the heavy frozen dew on the lawn in front of an office; like green crystals growing out of the ground.
"I was apart of that. I experienced what that dew. I felt the cold the night before." She told me. "I was apart of nature. If I wasn't going through what we are going through now, I wouldn't have experience all the great things that God has shown me. This dew had fallen last night and, if I was in a warm house, I wouldn't have noticed it. I would have looked at it as nothing important. But, I saw it ... Like crystals growing."
Plugged into the social media, constant worrying about keeping appearances and wishing for material goods, we tend to miss the wonderful things that happen around us. We miss the awesome formations the clouds make or the crystal dew that lands on the grass. Just like water dew gathering on the blades of grass and freezing due to the temperature, our emotions are normal. It is okay to lean into God's shoulder and let it all out. It's okay to tell him that we feel broken or wronged. It's okay to feel sad, just as it is okay to feel happy or joyous.
Sometimes the struggle we encounter forces us to seek out a tutor to help us understand that we over analyze the situation. All we need is a different perspective.
--Night
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Monday, October 21, 2013
10/21/2013
Even though I am the unoffical biographer of this A Home Without Walls journey, I come to a stand still when I finally have a chance to sit down to write an entry. There are moments where my mind goes blank and I cannot think upon the things that we have learned as a collective. In many ways, that is a good and bad thing. Good: Abba (God) is teaching us lessons everyday and teaching us in different ways to our own person. Bad: I cannot not write a full post without debating on what the subject matter should be about.
However, these last few weeks had brought up one particular subject that I would care to share on this post, after I back track through the events in the week.
There is not much to report about our events, mainly because it has been about work. Mom, Charlie, Sara and myself have been working non-stop. Because three of us work in retail, with Thanksgiving on the way and Black Friday around the corner, the retail world has been buzzing like busy bees. Charlie herself has been giving an interview with the company that I currently work for. I know she would love working for this retail as much as I have.
Mother has met a struggle in her own personal work life at the moment. She has decided to embark into a journey back to her previous proffession which was accounting. She, however, plans to keep both this job and the other. I understand where she is coming from, since I too will be embarking on a full time and part time job juggling pretty soon.
It is amazing to me, as I write this entry, how dark the times were when we first left our home with walls. The three out of four of us had no job to speak of and the other was only making minimum wage. Even at that time, we smiled and felt the joy of the Lord in our hearts. We knew fully well that he was going to care for us no matter what. If we fast forward to the present 21st of October, we would see three individuals with a full time job and a part time job as well. Truly amazing how God works. He has given us six jobs between us three.
During this time of soul searching, Sara has stepped forward with her own dream she would like to see come into reality. In the coming year, she plans to attend school for Ranch Management. She has always had a love for horse and on her spare time she has conducted a lot of research into them. Realizing this dream is a large step for Sara, since she has always had a battle in her mind in what she should be doing in her job life. I pray this goes well for her.
One of the matters that we all faced this weeks has been the love of items. Little did we know, even living in the woods and out of cars, that we had given into the love of gathering items like most humans do. Yet, being the presence of God himself, we came to an understanding of the damned love when the subject was brought up about my coat.
The story about the coat is simple: since I was fifteen, I've had this long coat that I loved dearly. Every tear, rip or stain, I took care of myself. I have made so many alterations to this coat that custom fit me personally. So, when the weather changed and I was in need of a warm coat, I thought of grabbing my lost Priest (nickname of the coat) from the storage room. I searched and found many of my other dearly loved coats, but no Priest.
On the day I searched for the lost coat, I became enraged at the failed attempt to find it. I was so enraged, in fact, I nearly fell into a car wreck on my way home from the storage room. As I pulled over to the side to catch my breath, I prayed to Abba for guidance. A sudden realization came to mind: Why am I so worried about getting one coat, when I have plenty to keep me warm?
I shared my revalation with my family and they too shared the same trouble. Little did we know that we had traveled back to our past love of items that it was beginning to disturb the peace we withheld in our hearts. We may not have coveted others like we did so many times in the past, but we wanted to relish in the things we already had without thanking God for the comfort of them and not placing him higher than those things. Gaining these items had become a goal higher than the purpose that God brought us out here to do.
So, why do we search for meaningless items, when we have something of use? Why should we get "bent out of shape" when God has already given us what we need? When you look around your home, or tent, do you not realize the things you have are the things you need? You do not need to search for items that only suit, or custom, fit your wants and needs. God has already stepped in before hand and gave you something that will comfort you. In my case, he had already sent plenty of warm jackets for me this fall; so why should I grow angry and cause a wreck to get what I want?
In some way, the only answer is this: We are bratty children that desire what we want then and there. Our desires might change from day to day, but when we desire it, we actually believe that it will be so amazing and our lives will be forever perfect.
While in search for their own hoodies and coats this past Sunday, Mom and Sara stumbled on my beloved Priest. I praised God and thanked him for both that jacket and the others he sent just for me.
As more jobs enter our lives, the threat of spending more money than we should pay our debts comes into reality. We have found that we are eating out more and I know I have been spending more on coffee than I should.
I have taken it upon myself to keep an inventory on the food and disposable items that we contain. I plan to use this inventory as a weapon against that threat. We need to go back to basics with our income and pay only our debt after we gain what we really need. For example: Charlie and I plan to turn to instant coffee out at the camp site to avoid getting coffee from the McDs down the highway. Even though the small coffees there are only a dollar, seven dollars a week will add up quickly. With only a can of instant coffee, plus sugar and creamer, we will only be spending three dollars every week.
Our first struggle was to face the wild with no money, now we face the wild with money. To be honest, the first one was far easier than the other. Yet, as we pray to Abba (God) for guidence, I know that we will learn a greater lesson: God will always provide even when you think that you have more money to provide for yourself.
--Night
However, these last few weeks had brought up one particular subject that I would care to share on this post, after I back track through the events in the week.
There is not much to report about our events, mainly because it has been about work. Mom, Charlie, Sara and myself have been working non-stop. Because three of us work in retail, with Thanksgiving on the way and Black Friday around the corner, the retail world has been buzzing like busy bees. Charlie herself has been giving an interview with the company that I currently work for. I know she would love working for this retail as much as I have.
Mother has met a struggle in her own personal work life at the moment. She has decided to embark into a journey back to her previous proffession which was accounting. She, however, plans to keep both this job and the other. I understand where she is coming from, since I too will be embarking on a full time and part time job juggling pretty soon.
It is amazing to me, as I write this entry, how dark the times were when we first left our home with walls. The three out of four of us had no job to speak of and the other was only making minimum wage. Even at that time, we smiled and felt the joy of the Lord in our hearts. We knew fully well that he was going to care for us no matter what. If we fast forward to the present 21st of October, we would see three individuals with a full time job and a part time job as well. Truly amazing how God works. He has given us six jobs between us three.
During this time of soul searching, Sara has stepped forward with her own dream she would like to see come into reality. In the coming year, she plans to attend school for Ranch Management. She has always had a love for horse and on her spare time she has conducted a lot of research into them. Realizing this dream is a large step for Sara, since she has always had a battle in her mind in what she should be doing in her job life. I pray this goes well for her.
One of the matters that we all faced this weeks has been the love of items. Little did we know, even living in the woods and out of cars, that we had given into the love of gathering items like most humans do. Yet, being the presence of God himself, we came to an understanding of the damned love when the subject was brought up about my coat.
The story about the coat is simple: since I was fifteen, I've had this long coat that I loved dearly. Every tear, rip or stain, I took care of myself. I have made so many alterations to this coat that custom fit me personally. So, when the weather changed and I was in need of a warm coat, I thought of grabbing my lost Priest (nickname of the coat) from the storage room. I searched and found many of my other dearly loved coats, but no Priest.
On the day I searched for the lost coat, I became enraged at the failed attempt to find it. I was so enraged, in fact, I nearly fell into a car wreck on my way home from the storage room. As I pulled over to the side to catch my breath, I prayed to Abba for guidance. A sudden realization came to mind: Why am I so worried about getting one coat, when I have plenty to keep me warm?
I shared my revalation with my family and they too shared the same trouble. Little did we know that we had traveled back to our past love of items that it was beginning to disturb the peace we withheld in our hearts. We may not have coveted others like we did so many times in the past, but we wanted to relish in the things we already had without thanking God for the comfort of them and not placing him higher than those things. Gaining these items had become a goal higher than the purpose that God brought us out here to do.
So, why do we search for meaningless items, when we have something of use? Why should we get "bent out of shape" when God has already given us what we need? When you look around your home, or tent, do you not realize the things you have are the things you need? You do not need to search for items that only suit, or custom, fit your wants and needs. God has already stepped in before hand and gave you something that will comfort you. In my case, he had already sent plenty of warm jackets for me this fall; so why should I grow angry and cause a wreck to get what I want?
In some way, the only answer is this: We are bratty children that desire what we want then and there. Our desires might change from day to day, but when we desire it, we actually believe that it will be so amazing and our lives will be forever perfect.
While in search for their own hoodies and coats this past Sunday, Mom and Sara stumbled on my beloved Priest. I praised God and thanked him for both that jacket and the others he sent just for me.
As more jobs enter our lives, the threat of spending more money than we should pay our debts comes into reality. We have found that we are eating out more and I know I have been spending more on coffee than I should.
I have taken it upon myself to keep an inventory on the food and disposable items that we contain. I plan to use this inventory as a weapon against that threat. We need to go back to basics with our income and pay only our debt after we gain what we really need. For example: Charlie and I plan to turn to instant coffee out at the camp site to avoid getting coffee from the McDs down the highway. Even though the small coffees there are only a dollar, seven dollars a week will add up quickly. With only a can of instant coffee, plus sugar and creamer, we will only be spending three dollars every week.
Our first struggle was to face the wild with no money, now we face the wild with money. To be honest, the first one was far easier than the other. Yet, as we pray to Abba (God) for guidence, I know that we will learn a greater lesson: God will always provide even when you think that you have more money to provide for yourself.
--Night
Monday, October 14, 2013
10/14/2013
Since we have been back at the campsite, new developments have happened since my last entry. I was going to post some entries in the past, but things had changed from hour to hour.
First thing was, I remember posting about Jody, my ex-step-father appearing to my mother and sister at the Church Under the Bridge. My last post was from a writer whose mind was in a state of anger and depression; the reason why I bring this state of mind up is because I do not want it understood that I was upset about Jody entering our lives again. I was unbiased about the situation, however I was slightly angered by the idea of him not respecting our boundries ... If we have any anymore.
In a mere few days since Jody's surprise visit, things started to unwravel between us four. I started to reach out to some past friends on Facebook for comfort; Charlie started to shut down; Mom was distracted by Jody's antics and Sara had taken the offer to stay with a co-worker in Jacksonville until her employment ends at the end of this month. To top things off, I had slammed head first into a terrible sinus infection, which caused my two back molars on the left side of my head to throb with such intensity, I missed one night's sleep and nearly over dosed on medication. Horrible.
I guess Satan was really working on us this weekend.
It appeared that Jody was going to be in our fifth wheel during this journey, but as truth came out and the situation revealed its true nature, he ended up back at his home. With regard to Jody's personal life, I'd rather not explain as to why he went home. Even though we believe that there is a big lesson to what we learned from Jody's apperance, for the sake of others that are not involved in our lives, I will remain silent about the matter. To safely put it, Jody links us to other people and those others are not involved in our lives anymore, but these others are in fact heavily involved in Jody's life. It came down for him to make a decision and in some way, we forced the right one.
By the time my sinus infection was gone, Mother had the task of facing her new job at Hobby Lobby. Granted, she loves enteracting with customers in the fabric department, but she is not used to the hands on type of work. Most of her past experience has been in accounting or office work, so this would be the first time in a long time that she has entered the retail world. So far, a lot of back aches, sore feet and hurting shoulders. Yet, she enters it daily with a smile. Her hours are very confusing, mainly require her to be there everyday, but all in all, she enjoys it.
Sara faces a challenge everyday staying with her co-worker/friend in Jacksonville. Every night, she sleeps in a bed, hides under shelter and watches television. Her revelation was that she did not see the need to have these things anymore. It was as though she could not enjoy the luxuries that she once had. To add, Sara is in constant worry about us out at the campsite. I pray for her because I cannot always be there to comfort her.
Charlie struggles with her job. She shared with us that she constantly has flashback memories of our old house at Athens before the fire and the rental place in Tyler. As I spoke to her about this, we came to the conclusion that there is a good chance Charlie is looking for a safe place to "Explode."
I love Charlie with all my heart, but like I and Mother, Charlie hordes emotion and bottles it up. This habit happens even with the smallest of troubles we face as a family, so you can imagine how much emotion she is bottling up out here in the woods, homeless and without too much money to pay our debts. Also, Charlie has the daily trouble of her new job at Hastings. This is a perfect cocktail of rage and emotion shook up in a bottle just waiting to explode. She hasn't already exploded about this situation, but what does sooth her fear that she will is our constant praise and assurance that we will love her no matter what.
I am a little embarassed to admit that I did reach out on Facebook to a young woman, whom I have had feelings for a long time. How we met was at work, but I did not ask her out when that first meeting occured. She was dating someone at the time and I was her boss, two things that go against my rule of flirting. Even though I didn't know this young woman very well, I did want to spend more time with her outside of the lab. She was just so nice and sweet, with a love of literature that I shared. Yet, I did program my mind to understand that I should only care for her as a friend at the lab and no more. Even though I reminded myself there was nothing between us, I felt this urge to protect her and keep her safe, something that I never had for someone other than my mother and two sisters.
With Jody down and the possibility of he and Mom be-friending each other once more, I decided to pursue other interests with this young woman. Using the power of the social network known as Facebook, I sent the woman a message and waited. It was merely just an invite to watch a new horror movie that came out, again, a love of horror movies is an interest we share.
Before the invite, she and I were talking about new things, such as how the lab was going and how my new job was working out. I must remind my readers that none of my personal past friends know of my current situation. True, I have shared a link to this blog on Facebook, but other than the "likes" that I receive, there are no responses or comments left about it. Other than the links that I send out about my personal site and this blog, I remain silent about my situation. It is my belief that the truth is right under everyones nose, you just have to look down and search. So, she and I only spoke of other things than what I am doing now.
My invite was inquiring about last Friday, at that time three days away. I thought that would be enough time for her to look over her schedule and see. Even though I believe it would have been kind to respond with, "Um, let me check and get back to you." Or, "No thank you." Yet, I checked my Facebook every night to see what she would say. I didn't hang on the edge of my seat during that time, because I felt that either way, I would respond with only kindness.
Secretly, down in my heart, a passion was brewing; a very dangerous passion. I was given visions of romantic walks with this young woman, holding hands and laughing. I thought about the woods that I lived in and thought of how everyday I spent with her would be romantic just spending time in nature.
I should have known that all of those visions were traps, but I left my feelings to the Lord. He knew better what to do with them than I would.
Friday came and I recieved no answer.
My blood boiled and those visions turned into I standing in a room filled with people pointing fingers at me and laughing. Horrible nightmares, if you ask me. Finally, as though my prayers had been answered, she answered back at three in the after noon:
"Sorry it took so long to get back to you. Sorry, not this weekend."
I responded quickly:
"Totally cool. Have a great weekend."
She came back with:
"You too!"
That was it. Another rejection from some random girl I had a serious crush on. I must point out that I have never been the "Ladies Man." I have never been in love. Granted I have been a big brother to most women, but the few that I have asked out only rejected me because I was "Too sweet."
Over the years, I have, had, developed an attituded about love. I hated those that swam in the passion petal pool and wished everyday that I could destroy the very fabric of the damn feeling. Yet, I was new now and I did not partake in hatred. I had to bounce back from the rejection and not hate myself or others. It was struggle to do so.
The stronger I became, the louder the voices in my head became. I eventually started to snap at my family and felt the heavy bolder of depression on my chest. In desperation, I turned to the only answer I could find: The word.
God's word is more than just boring ramblings you read at church. It isn't a paper weight and it isn't a fashion piece. It is a book, and books are designed to expand your knowledge. It is created to help you to understand what God needs you to know.
I prayed for the right scripture and he turned my eyes to Song of Solomon. I had once heard that Songs was a love poem between Solomon and his bride, but I had never read it before. Questions popped up in my mind while reading this emotional book. "Why would you tell me to read this?" Yet, the only answer I gained was, "Because you will understand the feelings between the two lovers."
Songs is a very passionate book about love, romance and sex. Its very core is perfection and walks side by side on how I feel I would react to the woman I fall in love with. Yet, as I read its words, I stumbled upon a phrase from SHE in the book: "... Do not stir or awaken love until it pleases." That phrase stuck in my mind after I read the book and I pondered over its meaning. Like a bolt of lightening, I was struck with the very idea of the meaning: "Do not force love, because love pleases God."
In a world filled with the very idea that love is a system of perfumes, nice bodies and perfect meeting places, it is hard to understand what love truly is. For the Master Teacher, love is His to weild and his to give. There for, if love between two lovers is not a system, then love is a gift sent by God at the right time for the right people. It was then that I realized that the love that I was looking for isn't found in a flirt or a wink, then to only say goodbye. The love that I want is intense with passion and strength. I need someone that I can rely on and share moments with and she the same. How can I jump from woman to woman every night just to find the "special person?" How can someone like I, a man with strong passion in his heart, treat love as a mere valentines day at elementry school?
I was also struck with this idea as well, which sort of explains my insane ramble above: If we willed love, then we can will ourselves into existance, which is something we know we did not do. In theory, the idea of controlling love is ideal, but when you actually think of it, the best relationships happened when no one was trying. They happened when they let go of the constant fear of the "romantic algorithim" and just let it happen.
So many times I have heard, "It is Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." Horrible phrase to repeat; it just sounds stupid to me. Yet, when I thought of this phrase at some point in this week, I thought of something else: "It is Adam and Eve, not Adam and Gwen, or Stacey, or Lisa, or ..." You see the point? "It is Adam and Eve, not Bob and Eve, or Jason and Eve ..." It is Adam and Eve; a relationship designed by God himself. If you read over Genesis again, you will realize that Adam did not pray to God for a companion, God saw it fit to create a companion for Adam because the man was lonely. It was all in God's time.
This might not be a revelation for you, but this was one for me. I have spent many years, since fifteen, struggling with being lonely. Yet, this answer came to be and lifted all those years of searching for an answer straight off my chest!
I pray for that young woman I asked out, I truly hope she finds someone to spend time with. As for me, I deleted my Facebook account and started a Night Author page instead. I have removed my past self entirely and look forward to the future. I don't know what lies ahead, but I plan to help my family get through their troubles and I know they will help me.
As I posted before, I pray for you dear reader in any trouble you have been having at the moment. I do hope that what I am writing is inspiring you to continue onward. The journey, the evolution revolution is not at the end. Pray for my family, pray that Charlie continues to stay strong; pray that my Mother continues with happiness; pray that my sister Sara will gain a stronger revelation through her stay with the good people at Jacksonville.
--Night
First thing was, I remember posting about Jody, my ex-step-father appearing to my mother and sister at the Church Under the Bridge. My last post was from a writer whose mind was in a state of anger and depression; the reason why I bring this state of mind up is because I do not want it understood that I was upset about Jody entering our lives again. I was unbiased about the situation, however I was slightly angered by the idea of him not respecting our boundries ... If we have any anymore.
In a mere few days since Jody's surprise visit, things started to unwravel between us four. I started to reach out to some past friends on Facebook for comfort; Charlie started to shut down; Mom was distracted by Jody's antics and Sara had taken the offer to stay with a co-worker in Jacksonville until her employment ends at the end of this month. To top things off, I had slammed head first into a terrible sinus infection, which caused my two back molars on the left side of my head to throb with such intensity, I missed one night's sleep and nearly over dosed on medication. Horrible.
I guess Satan was really working on us this weekend.
It appeared that Jody was going to be in our fifth wheel during this journey, but as truth came out and the situation revealed its true nature, he ended up back at his home. With regard to Jody's personal life, I'd rather not explain as to why he went home. Even though we believe that there is a big lesson to what we learned from Jody's apperance, for the sake of others that are not involved in our lives, I will remain silent about the matter. To safely put it, Jody links us to other people and those others are not involved in our lives anymore, but these others are in fact heavily involved in Jody's life. It came down for him to make a decision and in some way, we forced the right one.
By the time my sinus infection was gone, Mother had the task of facing her new job at Hobby Lobby. Granted, she loves enteracting with customers in the fabric department, but she is not used to the hands on type of work. Most of her past experience has been in accounting or office work, so this would be the first time in a long time that she has entered the retail world. So far, a lot of back aches, sore feet and hurting shoulders. Yet, she enters it daily with a smile. Her hours are very confusing, mainly require her to be there everyday, but all in all, she enjoys it.
Sara faces a challenge everyday staying with her co-worker/friend in Jacksonville. Every night, she sleeps in a bed, hides under shelter and watches television. Her revelation was that she did not see the need to have these things anymore. It was as though she could not enjoy the luxuries that she once had. To add, Sara is in constant worry about us out at the campsite. I pray for her because I cannot always be there to comfort her.
Charlie struggles with her job. She shared with us that she constantly has flashback memories of our old house at Athens before the fire and the rental place in Tyler. As I spoke to her about this, we came to the conclusion that there is a good chance Charlie is looking for a safe place to "Explode."
I love Charlie with all my heart, but like I and Mother, Charlie hordes emotion and bottles it up. This habit happens even with the smallest of troubles we face as a family, so you can imagine how much emotion she is bottling up out here in the woods, homeless and without too much money to pay our debts. Also, Charlie has the daily trouble of her new job at Hastings. This is a perfect cocktail of rage and emotion shook up in a bottle just waiting to explode. She hasn't already exploded about this situation, but what does sooth her fear that she will is our constant praise and assurance that we will love her no matter what.
I am a little embarassed to admit that I did reach out on Facebook to a young woman, whom I have had feelings for a long time. How we met was at work, but I did not ask her out when that first meeting occured. She was dating someone at the time and I was her boss, two things that go against my rule of flirting. Even though I didn't know this young woman very well, I did want to spend more time with her outside of the lab. She was just so nice and sweet, with a love of literature that I shared. Yet, I did program my mind to understand that I should only care for her as a friend at the lab and no more. Even though I reminded myself there was nothing between us, I felt this urge to protect her and keep her safe, something that I never had for someone other than my mother and two sisters.
With Jody down and the possibility of he and Mom be-friending each other once more, I decided to pursue other interests with this young woman. Using the power of the social network known as Facebook, I sent the woman a message and waited. It was merely just an invite to watch a new horror movie that came out, again, a love of horror movies is an interest we share.
Before the invite, she and I were talking about new things, such as how the lab was going and how my new job was working out. I must remind my readers that none of my personal past friends know of my current situation. True, I have shared a link to this blog on Facebook, but other than the "likes" that I receive, there are no responses or comments left about it. Other than the links that I send out about my personal site and this blog, I remain silent about my situation. It is my belief that the truth is right under everyones nose, you just have to look down and search. So, she and I only spoke of other things than what I am doing now.
My invite was inquiring about last Friday, at that time three days away. I thought that would be enough time for her to look over her schedule and see. Even though I believe it would have been kind to respond with, "Um, let me check and get back to you." Or, "No thank you." Yet, I checked my Facebook every night to see what she would say. I didn't hang on the edge of my seat during that time, because I felt that either way, I would respond with only kindness.
Secretly, down in my heart, a passion was brewing; a very dangerous passion. I was given visions of romantic walks with this young woman, holding hands and laughing. I thought about the woods that I lived in and thought of how everyday I spent with her would be romantic just spending time in nature.
I should have known that all of those visions were traps, but I left my feelings to the Lord. He knew better what to do with them than I would.
Friday came and I recieved no answer.
My blood boiled and those visions turned into I standing in a room filled with people pointing fingers at me and laughing. Horrible nightmares, if you ask me. Finally, as though my prayers had been answered, she answered back at three in the after noon:
"Sorry it took so long to get back to you. Sorry, not this weekend."
I responded quickly:
"Totally cool. Have a great weekend."
She came back with:
"You too!"
That was it. Another rejection from some random girl I had a serious crush on. I must point out that I have never been the "Ladies Man." I have never been in love. Granted I have been a big brother to most women, but the few that I have asked out only rejected me because I was "Too sweet."
Over the years, I have, had, developed an attituded about love. I hated those that swam in the passion petal pool and wished everyday that I could destroy the very fabric of the damn feeling. Yet, I was new now and I did not partake in hatred. I had to bounce back from the rejection and not hate myself or others. It was struggle to do so.
The stronger I became, the louder the voices in my head became. I eventually started to snap at my family and felt the heavy bolder of depression on my chest. In desperation, I turned to the only answer I could find: The word.
God's word is more than just boring ramblings you read at church. It isn't a paper weight and it isn't a fashion piece. It is a book, and books are designed to expand your knowledge. It is created to help you to understand what God needs you to know.
I prayed for the right scripture and he turned my eyes to Song of Solomon. I had once heard that Songs was a love poem between Solomon and his bride, but I had never read it before. Questions popped up in my mind while reading this emotional book. "Why would you tell me to read this?" Yet, the only answer I gained was, "Because you will understand the feelings between the two lovers."
Songs is a very passionate book about love, romance and sex. Its very core is perfection and walks side by side on how I feel I would react to the woman I fall in love with. Yet, as I read its words, I stumbled upon a phrase from SHE in the book: "... Do not stir or awaken love until it pleases." That phrase stuck in my mind after I read the book and I pondered over its meaning. Like a bolt of lightening, I was struck with the very idea of the meaning: "Do not force love, because love pleases God."
In a world filled with the very idea that love is a system of perfumes, nice bodies and perfect meeting places, it is hard to understand what love truly is. For the Master Teacher, love is His to weild and his to give. There for, if love between two lovers is not a system, then love is a gift sent by God at the right time for the right people. It was then that I realized that the love that I was looking for isn't found in a flirt or a wink, then to only say goodbye. The love that I want is intense with passion and strength. I need someone that I can rely on and share moments with and she the same. How can I jump from woman to woman every night just to find the "special person?" How can someone like I, a man with strong passion in his heart, treat love as a mere valentines day at elementry school?
I was also struck with this idea as well, which sort of explains my insane ramble above: If we willed love, then we can will ourselves into existance, which is something we know we did not do. In theory, the idea of controlling love is ideal, but when you actually think of it, the best relationships happened when no one was trying. They happened when they let go of the constant fear of the "romantic algorithim" and just let it happen.
So many times I have heard, "It is Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." Horrible phrase to repeat; it just sounds stupid to me. Yet, when I thought of this phrase at some point in this week, I thought of something else: "It is Adam and Eve, not Adam and Gwen, or Stacey, or Lisa, or ..." You see the point? "It is Adam and Eve, not Bob and Eve, or Jason and Eve ..." It is Adam and Eve; a relationship designed by God himself. If you read over Genesis again, you will realize that Adam did not pray to God for a companion, God saw it fit to create a companion for Adam because the man was lonely. It was all in God's time.
This might not be a revelation for you, but this was one for me. I have spent many years, since fifteen, struggling with being lonely. Yet, this answer came to be and lifted all those years of searching for an answer straight off my chest!
I pray for that young woman I asked out, I truly hope she finds someone to spend time with. As for me, I deleted my Facebook account and started a Night Author page instead. I have removed my past self entirely and look forward to the future. I don't know what lies ahead, but I plan to help my family get through their troubles and I know they will help me.
As I posted before, I pray for you dear reader in any trouble you have been having at the moment. I do hope that what I am writing is inspiring you to continue onward. The journey, the evolution revolution is not at the end. Pray for my family, pray that Charlie continues to stay strong; pray that my Mother continues with happiness; pray that my sister Sara will gain a stronger revelation through her stay with the good people at Jacksonville.
--Night
Sunday, October 6, 2013
10/6/2013
Even though I have been renewed in my faith and my spirit grows stronger, I run low on energy. I grow weary of the people around me and I know that tired feeling will only lead me down into the path of the boundless rage I felt before.
Mother and Charlie feel the same. They agree that there is need to return back into the woods away from the prying eyes and the constant questions. We need a place of rest in the Lord to gain strength to face the inner and outward demons of this world.
I had grown too tired of facing people and asked for a leave of abscence from our church routine. Mother and Sara agreed to let me go to the park to select our new home for the week. They went ahead of me to visit the church and Charlie went to work at Hastings for the day.
My stomach twisted; it had not been the same since yesterday. I am uncertain if it is an ulcer or something that I gained througout this week, but I feel sick. Yet, I pushed onward to gain a spot in this wooden home. As I drove into the park's H.Q, I received a call on my cell. It was Jody.
The message that he left on my phone made it very clear that he was in our area and that he was wanting to visit us at the church. I paniced and told Sara and Mom about Jody arriving to make a surprise visit. I feared that Mom could not handle his constant questions and pushing, but I also knew there was little I could do. I had warned him not to visit us because we all knew Jody, out of all people, would not be able to accept this. Although it is a kind gesture for him to worry about us, it becomes very tiresome to tell him to stay away and to keep him silent.
As I had mentioned, I was growing tired. My rage was getting the best of me as I continued the battle in my mind and heart. If Jody called upon us and suprised us early on in the week, I might have been strong enough to handle him. However, since I am weak and fear the old self would return, I knew that I was not in the best of forms to speak with him.
Once at the park, I turned to my Bible and prayed for strength. The book that I was told to read was Ecclesiastes, I read chapter one until chapter four. The author was named The Preacher and he spoke of the vanity that man had. No matter what the man did or said on the behalf of wisedom and God, it was all vanity. At first, I wasn't sure how to take this scripture reading and I asked God for a better understanding. After my prayer, I sat at the park bench and stared out over the lake. My brain buzzed with a theory and hope that I had stumbled onto what God wanted me to learn.
What I had learned: Even holy wise men can do things in the name sake of vanity without knowing it. I felt it kind to feel that I was in the category of wise men, since the scripture spoke of things that I had thought of in my youth. However, I understood why I was tired and lost my energy. Even though I was wise and I believed that my heart was for the Lord; my mouth spoke only about God and my mind thought on his will. Yet, this was still about me. I forgot that this was a journey into the world to understand what God wanted for our lives. I forgot that there are more in this world that need to hear what God wants. I forgot that there were three others that were going through the same thing that I was going through. I was living in the mind set of vanity and I was loosing energy because I cared only for myself and thought only on my own journey.
In my youth, I have been in the spotlight too many times. I would stand out when things grew troublesome to become the jester; when times called for a preacher, I opened my mouth and let out what I thought about. In this journey Without Walls, I have done the same things and made it all about myself. This started out a journey for God, but then I started to fall into the pit of vanity like most holy men and women. I had made myself into my own personal idol.
Is there a way to break that? There is, but it is a daily chore. To constantly pray on his will and realize that you are not in control. You must realize that you are not the one in the spotlight. There is no spotlight, only a bright light hanging over us. We are all on God's radar and none of us are single in his will. Like sentences on a page, we connect to make one coherent story, point, poem and song. Without the other sentences, we cannot thrive.
I know that I need a chance to be alone, but I will not always be alone. I cannot just run away from all around me to retreat into the woods, into A Home Without Walls. I know there will be people trying to call and making surprise cameos in my story, but I cannot let that effect what I am doing. If they want to be a part of this world, this journey that I am in, then they will have to conduct in what I am doing as well as I should keep my mouth shut to listen to them.
I don't know who you are, dear reader. We have never met and I do not know your name. However, every night I want to say a little prayer for you. I don't know what trouble you face and I don't know what harm you are going through. This journal I started on blogger is not only to tell you what is happening to I and my family, but to reach out to you and let you know that you are not alone. No one is alone in this world. You may think so because of the horrible vanity you wear on your shoulders, but I pray for you to let down that weight and to allow others near you. Think of others as well as yourself. All the things we do might be for vanity, but as long as we do not let it harm us, we can turn to the Lord for strength to beat it.
As for Jody, I do hope he can enter this with an open mind. What he is about to uncover might be a challenge for us. He is going to push us out; he wants to "save" us from this pit. He doesn't realize that this was a choice to grow closer to God. He isn't going to like our answer when he asks: "Will you let me take you guys out of this?"
I also know that it is a test on our will. We have to remember that this isn't a surprise from Jody, but God's will.
--Night
Mother and Charlie feel the same. They agree that there is need to return back into the woods away from the prying eyes and the constant questions. We need a place of rest in the Lord to gain strength to face the inner and outward demons of this world.
I had grown too tired of facing people and asked for a leave of abscence from our church routine. Mother and Sara agreed to let me go to the park to select our new home for the week. They went ahead of me to visit the church and Charlie went to work at Hastings for the day.
My stomach twisted; it had not been the same since yesterday. I am uncertain if it is an ulcer or something that I gained througout this week, but I feel sick. Yet, I pushed onward to gain a spot in this wooden home. As I drove into the park's H.Q, I received a call on my cell. It was Jody.
The message that he left on my phone made it very clear that he was in our area and that he was wanting to visit us at the church. I paniced and told Sara and Mom about Jody arriving to make a surprise visit. I feared that Mom could not handle his constant questions and pushing, but I also knew there was little I could do. I had warned him not to visit us because we all knew Jody, out of all people, would not be able to accept this. Although it is a kind gesture for him to worry about us, it becomes very tiresome to tell him to stay away and to keep him silent.
As I had mentioned, I was growing tired. My rage was getting the best of me as I continued the battle in my mind and heart. If Jody called upon us and suprised us early on in the week, I might have been strong enough to handle him. However, since I am weak and fear the old self would return, I knew that I was not in the best of forms to speak with him.
Once at the park, I turned to my Bible and prayed for strength. The book that I was told to read was Ecclesiastes, I read chapter one until chapter four. The author was named The Preacher and he spoke of the vanity that man had. No matter what the man did or said on the behalf of wisedom and God, it was all vanity. At first, I wasn't sure how to take this scripture reading and I asked God for a better understanding. After my prayer, I sat at the park bench and stared out over the lake. My brain buzzed with a theory and hope that I had stumbled onto what God wanted me to learn.
What I had learned: Even holy wise men can do things in the name sake of vanity without knowing it. I felt it kind to feel that I was in the category of wise men, since the scripture spoke of things that I had thought of in my youth. However, I understood why I was tired and lost my energy. Even though I was wise and I believed that my heart was for the Lord; my mouth spoke only about God and my mind thought on his will. Yet, this was still about me. I forgot that this was a journey into the world to understand what God wanted for our lives. I forgot that there are more in this world that need to hear what God wants. I forgot that there were three others that were going through the same thing that I was going through. I was living in the mind set of vanity and I was loosing energy because I cared only for myself and thought only on my own journey.
In my youth, I have been in the spotlight too many times. I would stand out when things grew troublesome to become the jester; when times called for a preacher, I opened my mouth and let out what I thought about. In this journey Without Walls, I have done the same things and made it all about myself. This started out a journey for God, but then I started to fall into the pit of vanity like most holy men and women. I had made myself into my own personal idol.
Is there a way to break that? There is, but it is a daily chore. To constantly pray on his will and realize that you are not in control. You must realize that you are not the one in the spotlight. There is no spotlight, only a bright light hanging over us. We are all on God's radar and none of us are single in his will. Like sentences on a page, we connect to make one coherent story, point, poem and song. Without the other sentences, we cannot thrive.
I know that I need a chance to be alone, but I will not always be alone. I cannot just run away from all around me to retreat into the woods, into A Home Without Walls. I know there will be people trying to call and making surprise cameos in my story, but I cannot let that effect what I am doing. If they want to be a part of this world, this journey that I am in, then they will have to conduct in what I am doing as well as I should keep my mouth shut to listen to them.
I don't know who you are, dear reader. We have never met and I do not know your name. However, every night I want to say a little prayer for you. I don't know what trouble you face and I don't know what harm you are going through. This journal I started on blogger is not only to tell you what is happening to I and my family, but to reach out to you and let you know that you are not alone. No one is alone in this world. You may think so because of the horrible vanity you wear on your shoulders, but I pray for you to let down that weight and to allow others near you. Think of others as well as yourself. All the things we do might be for vanity, but as long as we do not let it harm us, we can turn to the Lord for strength to beat it.
As for Jody, I do hope he can enter this with an open mind. What he is about to uncover might be a challenge for us. He is going to push us out; he wants to "save" us from this pit. He doesn't realize that this was a choice to grow closer to God. He isn't going to like our answer when he asks: "Will you let me take you guys out of this?"
I also know that it is a test on our will. We have to remember that this isn't a surprise from Jody, but God's will.
--Night
Friday, October 4, 2013
10/4/2013
There are moments in your life that you meet new people. When you meet these people, they can either enrich your life or destroy it. As Christians we become consumed with the ideal of helping someone. It becomes such a passion, desire or obssesion, that we loose factor what it means to fellowship: We spend time with like minded people.
When you trap yourself in a wooden box, by that I mean a house, you loose factor who you can be meeting up with. We loose the ability to communicate with people eye to eye. There is something beautiful watching their facial movement when they speak about something that has inspired them. Standing in front of someone, speaking to them eye to eye, you are forced to listen to them.
I believe that is the reason why Jesus did not appear in this time and age to lead us, to inspire us. He, our Father, knew we would be the one generation with thick wax that cover our ears and heavy dark shades to hide our eyes. Our hearts, still young and full of life, would feel trapped and plugged into our social network. We have grown to accept that people must live in a box, because how would they be able to communicate if it not for the television or phone? How could they talk to us, if they couldn't write in horrible grammer and quick letters?
Like most of us, I think of Jesus as the person smiling and walking with people, possibly playing with children. We always want to remember Jesus as the man of suffering that transformed into the Lord that rose into the heavens, yet that isn't what Jesus wanted us to see. If he wanted us to see his suffering, he would have appeared to the world on the cross and his torment would begin and last for thirty years. It is far easier to believe in a God that suffered for us than a God that loved us. As flesh toting humans, we believe that suffering is the path to righteousness. We want to believe that we will suffer for a certain amount of time only to gain a reward. Christians, like most religions, believe that we all will suffer but will gain a reward in heaven.
I think of God as a kind parent that gives you a gift everyday. A man who loves his children enough to teach them a lesson by punishing them, yet cries when they are in pain. Like most parents, I may not be reffering to parents in this generation, he wants us to be happy and will give us gifts everyday along with lessons.
The one gift God sent me today was a conversation with an elderly gent named Ron. A man in the golden age of seventy, with a heart of gold and enough money to get himself a coffee. We spoke about the current events of the shut down to government, the love of our Christ and the troubles he faced.
Since I gained a job at Suddenlink and have more money in my pocket then I did the other day, I felt as though I should offer the man a meal or something. I felt that I should help him out some way. However, God had other plans; He told me to rest, enjoy my soda and speak with the man. I knew then that God was offering me a gift. A chance to speak with someone that could inspire me.
Charlie and I had a laugh afterwards because the man assumed that I was married to her, but in fact we are brother and sister. We continued the charade because Ron couldn't hear that well and seemed to not have his memory that he had in his youth. He spoke loudly which meant Charlie and I had to speak loudly. This meant that everyone in the resturant of McDs could hear our conversation on how God loves us so much and how God has a plan for our lives. That, in itself, was a gift.
The only regret I have was when I shook the man's hand and told him my name. I said the words: I hope and pray things turn out good for you. It is the very phrase that all of us use to someone that we believe is less fortunate than we are. I have always hated that phrase, but I used it on impulse. But, if I didn't use those exact words, Ron wouldn't have said his next sentence and God wouldn't have put me in my place.
"I don't have to wonder if good things will happen to me, young man, I know. I have God carrying me at the moment."
Out of the world of assuming and thinking, Ron knew that God was going to give him a gift everyday because he knows his father.
I pray for you Ron and I hope all of you readers out there say a prayer for the stocky elderly gent traveling around in a truck and in God's grace.
--Night
When you trap yourself in a wooden box, by that I mean a house, you loose factor who you can be meeting up with. We loose the ability to communicate with people eye to eye. There is something beautiful watching their facial movement when they speak about something that has inspired them. Standing in front of someone, speaking to them eye to eye, you are forced to listen to them.
I believe that is the reason why Jesus did not appear in this time and age to lead us, to inspire us. He, our Father, knew we would be the one generation with thick wax that cover our ears and heavy dark shades to hide our eyes. Our hearts, still young and full of life, would feel trapped and plugged into our social network. We have grown to accept that people must live in a box, because how would they be able to communicate if it not for the television or phone? How could they talk to us, if they couldn't write in horrible grammer and quick letters?
Like most of us, I think of Jesus as the person smiling and walking with people, possibly playing with children. We always want to remember Jesus as the man of suffering that transformed into the Lord that rose into the heavens, yet that isn't what Jesus wanted us to see. If he wanted us to see his suffering, he would have appeared to the world on the cross and his torment would begin and last for thirty years. It is far easier to believe in a God that suffered for us than a God that loved us. As flesh toting humans, we believe that suffering is the path to righteousness. We want to believe that we will suffer for a certain amount of time only to gain a reward. Christians, like most religions, believe that we all will suffer but will gain a reward in heaven.
I think of God as a kind parent that gives you a gift everyday. A man who loves his children enough to teach them a lesson by punishing them, yet cries when they are in pain. Like most parents, I may not be reffering to parents in this generation, he wants us to be happy and will give us gifts everyday along with lessons.
The one gift God sent me today was a conversation with an elderly gent named Ron. A man in the golden age of seventy, with a heart of gold and enough money to get himself a coffee. We spoke about the current events of the shut down to government, the love of our Christ and the troubles he faced.
Since I gained a job at Suddenlink and have more money in my pocket then I did the other day, I felt as though I should offer the man a meal or something. I felt that I should help him out some way. However, God had other plans; He told me to rest, enjoy my soda and speak with the man. I knew then that God was offering me a gift. A chance to speak with someone that could inspire me.
Charlie and I had a laugh afterwards because the man assumed that I was married to her, but in fact we are brother and sister. We continued the charade because Ron couldn't hear that well and seemed to not have his memory that he had in his youth. He spoke loudly which meant Charlie and I had to speak loudly. This meant that everyone in the resturant of McDs could hear our conversation on how God loves us so much and how God has a plan for our lives. That, in itself, was a gift.
The only regret I have was when I shook the man's hand and told him my name. I said the words: I hope and pray things turn out good for you. It is the very phrase that all of us use to someone that we believe is less fortunate than we are. I have always hated that phrase, but I used it on impulse. But, if I didn't use those exact words, Ron wouldn't have said his next sentence and God wouldn't have put me in my place.
"I don't have to wonder if good things will happen to me, young man, I know. I have God carrying me at the moment."
Out of the world of assuming and thinking, Ron knew that God was going to give him a gift everyday because he knows his father.
I pray for you Ron and I hope all of you readers out there say a prayer for the stocky elderly gent traveling around in a truck and in God's grace.
--Night
Thursday, October 3, 2013
10/3/2013
The world around us is expanding and growing everyday, we just don't see it. To our human eyes, a city can shrink due to a vehicle that can bring you to one end of the city to the other within a few minutes, but what we do not factor in is the question: What if you walked from one end of the city to the other? In possiblility, it could take you an hour to all day.
I have been the type of person that feels as though he were looking through a set of virtual reality goggles. Sure, everything seems real with pictures and sound. I can see my hands and feet. However, there is a feeling that there is so much more waiting underneath that reality.
I belive that every human being has that feeling. Searching for the connection between what we see and what we truly feel is real is the lifetime adventure. It is our treasure map and the finish is a giant red X.
A thought occured to me today: What if we never find that X? We spend our entire lives searching and using people, items and pleasure to replace that connection wire between our human eyes and our spiritual eyes. We become desperate to find that missing X, but we waste time looking for something to change our lives. We are wasting our time with material and pleasurable moments to connect our spiritual eyes to our human ones.
As a Christian, I guess I assume that I do not need to search for that metaphoric X. Not because I claim that I have finally found that missing wire to connect my inner being with my flesh, but I am saying that I have come to rest with the idea that I will not find a "physical" X. Why waste my time using things or people around me to make me feel better, when all I know is that in the end that good feeling will fade away quickly. The very idea of that a material item or person can improve the missing piece within me is just a joke anymore.
Here is another way of looking at it; What kind of mind set are you in when you enter a hotel for vacation? The room is clean; the A/C feels nice; there is a pool just an elevator drop away; you can make a call and have food sent up to your room. Spend one hour in a hotel room and you will come to realize that you leave trash all around and care less to fold the blankets on the bed. To you, this is a temprary stay and there for you will treat it as such. You become blind to how you treat this little home for the weekend and act like a savaged human. Eventually, you will return home to comfort and peace. Your mind will settle and will become focused.
Our lives through this world is one big vacation. We treat the world with disrespect, or try our hardest to clean it up. We deal with the people on the upper floor and on the bottom floor. The pool we swim in have others in it. We are distracted by the items in the hotel and choose to gorge ourselves on junk food. It will not be until we go home, our true home in heaven, when we will decide to focus and loose our nonsense.
--Night
I have been the type of person that feels as though he were looking through a set of virtual reality goggles. Sure, everything seems real with pictures and sound. I can see my hands and feet. However, there is a feeling that there is so much more waiting underneath that reality.
I belive that every human being has that feeling. Searching for the connection between what we see and what we truly feel is real is the lifetime adventure. It is our treasure map and the finish is a giant red X.
A thought occured to me today: What if we never find that X? We spend our entire lives searching and using people, items and pleasure to replace that connection wire between our human eyes and our spiritual eyes. We become desperate to find that missing X, but we waste time looking for something to change our lives. We are wasting our time with material and pleasurable moments to connect our spiritual eyes to our human ones.
As a Christian, I guess I assume that I do not need to search for that metaphoric X. Not because I claim that I have finally found that missing wire to connect my inner being with my flesh, but I am saying that I have come to rest with the idea that I will not find a "physical" X. Why waste my time using things or people around me to make me feel better, when all I know is that in the end that good feeling will fade away quickly. The very idea of that a material item or person can improve the missing piece within me is just a joke anymore.
Here is another way of looking at it; What kind of mind set are you in when you enter a hotel for vacation? The room is clean; the A/C feels nice; there is a pool just an elevator drop away; you can make a call and have food sent up to your room. Spend one hour in a hotel room and you will come to realize that you leave trash all around and care less to fold the blankets on the bed. To you, this is a temprary stay and there for you will treat it as such. You become blind to how you treat this little home for the weekend and act like a savaged human. Eventually, you will return home to comfort and peace. Your mind will settle and will become focused.
Our lives through this world is one big vacation. We treat the world with disrespect, or try our hardest to clean it up. We deal with the people on the upper floor and on the bottom floor. The pool we swim in have others in it. We are distracted by the items in the hotel and choose to gorge ourselves on junk food. It will not be until we go home, our true home in heaven, when we will decide to focus and loose our nonsense.
--Night
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
10/2/2013
I sat in lobby filled with flat screen television, each playing a channel that I haven't watched in a good year now. Since the fire, I haven't had any source of cable or television channels; I did however have Netflix to catch up on my favorite series like Supernatural, but I had to wait forever for the next season to hit the streaming network.
Speaking of streaming networks, did you know that Full Moon Pictures is starting their very own streaming? They were the ones that created the Puppet Master series and other B-Movie genres like The Evil Bong and many others. If I do plan to get a place along with some internet, I am most likely going to get that streaming series.
Anyway, I filled out my paperwork today to start at Suddenlink and I happen to browse over the hourly pay I will be receiving. I had to calculate it, but I found out that I would be making as much as I would have if I joined the Correctional Officers in Palestine TX. I will also be making more on the side with my part time Old Navy job.
I left my three year part time career at the Tyler Junior College Computer Lab to pursue a 2k a month salary at the prison in Palestine TX. I assumed that I was doing good to join such a demanding work force, but I had no idea what the job entitled. At first, I thought of the television shows that had a gaurd standing with shot gun in hand and telling prisoners what to do. However, I soon learned that the prisons in Texas are a little bit more chaotic than I pictured.
I witnessed in the unit I was working in, an inmate who had cat skins pinned on his wall. I learned later that the inmates could house pets and breed them in the prison itself. There was another inmate that would capture Black Widow spiders in a jar and would threaten to smash the jar of spiders at the feet of the gaurds. Truly a mad house.
Comparing that to sitting in a room filled with like minded people, getting breaks to vape and enjoying a cup of coffee at my station, you can imagine how much I praise God at the moment.
I respect those in law enforcement and those that work in the prison system, but it isn't a job for me. I am the type of person who likes to enjoy his day and help people. Prison is a place you do not want to work or to be in.
With benefits and pay, working in Suddenlink seems exciting and wonderful. I know I couldn't have worked in a call center when I was my past self. I thought of myself as too good for a call center and that I was a man of direction rather than a man that helps others.
In some way, and I am not certain if I should really put this much credit to the prison system, I feel like I died and was resurrected into a new life. Perhaps, I feel that there has been a change to the system. Yet, when I look over the things I am a part of, I realize that I conducting in what I wanted to avoid: Being homeless, working in a call center, spending time out in the open with people all around me.
The things I was trying to avoid has changed me, so it brings up the next question: Was I the one trying to avoid these things, or was it something more demonic that wanted to avoid the change from my former self into a beacon to the world?
--Night
NFN On Air: I have taken my theme to inspirational videos to Spreaker online radio. Please check it out and share.
Speaking of streaming networks, did you know that Full Moon Pictures is starting their very own streaming? They were the ones that created the Puppet Master series and other B-Movie genres like The Evil Bong and many others. If I do plan to get a place along with some internet, I am most likely going to get that streaming series.
Anyway, I filled out my paperwork today to start at Suddenlink and I happen to browse over the hourly pay I will be receiving. I had to calculate it, but I found out that I would be making as much as I would have if I joined the Correctional Officers in Palestine TX. I will also be making more on the side with my part time Old Navy job.
I left my three year part time career at the Tyler Junior College Computer Lab to pursue a 2k a month salary at the prison in Palestine TX. I assumed that I was doing good to join such a demanding work force, but I had no idea what the job entitled. At first, I thought of the television shows that had a gaurd standing with shot gun in hand and telling prisoners what to do. However, I soon learned that the prisons in Texas are a little bit more chaotic than I pictured.
I witnessed in the unit I was working in, an inmate who had cat skins pinned on his wall. I learned later that the inmates could house pets and breed them in the prison itself. There was another inmate that would capture Black Widow spiders in a jar and would threaten to smash the jar of spiders at the feet of the gaurds. Truly a mad house.
Comparing that to sitting in a room filled with like minded people, getting breaks to vape and enjoying a cup of coffee at my station, you can imagine how much I praise God at the moment.
I respect those in law enforcement and those that work in the prison system, but it isn't a job for me. I am the type of person who likes to enjoy his day and help people. Prison is a place you do not want to work or to be in.
With benefits and pay, working in Suddenlink seems exciting and wonderful. I know I couldn't have worked in a call center when I was my past self. I thought of myself as too good for a call center and that I was a man of direction rather than a man that helps others.
In some way, and I am not certain if I should really put this much credit to the prison system, I feel like I died and was resurrected into a new life. Perhaps, I feel that there has been a change to the system. Yet, when I look over the things I am a part of, I realize that I conducting in what I wanted to avoid: Being homeless, working in a call center, spending time out in the open with people all around me.
The things I was trying to avoid has changed me, so it brings up the next question: Was I the one trying to avoid these things, or was it something more demonic that wanted to avoid the change from my former self into a beacon to the world?
--Night
NFN On Air: I have taken my theme to inspirational videos to Spreaker online radio. Please check it out and share.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
10/1/2013
It is the first of October, the beginning of Fall. Leaves start to turn brown and fall; cloudy and cold days by a fire with a book; a tobacco pipe in one hand and a mug of hot chocolate in the other. Halloween approaches and churches run in fear; Thanksgiving arrives and Halloween lovers complain. In East Texas, it means that there is going to be a day when you wear a heavy coat in the morning and then manage to get down into a tank top by evening.
I personally love the Fall over all seasons, I believe that everyone loves it about the same. Even living A Home Without Walls, I still cannot shake this smile off my face when I see the Fall leaves fall onto my car/home at the moment.
I understand that my posts have been short here lately, not that I am excusing myself, but I have been writing on my phone. I am going to try to get on the laptop more in order to spill more beans about what we are facing out here.
Charlie and I have been living in the Walmart parking lot in Tyler Texas. I have been living in a truck while she has been staying in the car. We have met so many people out in the temp area we are living in at the moment. Over the course of two weeks, Charlie and I have encountered others in the same situation, employees that face hunger on a daily basis and many birds sqawking us awake.
With thirteen bucks in our wallet, we look forward to this week eating only bread and peanut butter. The local Dollar Tree has gallons of water for only a dollar, which comes in handy when you live right in front of them.
There have not been any questions made to us about the situation we are in, however there are many eyes upon us everyday. I am not certain if it is because we are constantly worried when someone will walk up and point fingers at us, or if it is the natural curiousity that people have. Either way, I let it be known that we are just trying to live our lives and conducting in the lessons of God. Yet, Charlie and I have been lucky, no one has "shooed" us away from our sleeping spot; Mom and Sara have not.
I am uncertain if I wrote about this particular moment last week, but if I did, I want to go into more detail.
Mom and Sara have employment in Jacksonville, a mere forty minutes from where we stay at the moment. Because we lack the funds for them to drive back and forth between Tyler and Jacksonville, the two have decided to stay in the town close to their jobs. These means the removal of local sources we are used to: Showers at the Wildlife Park; Walmart or Dollar Tree; the McDonalds. Yet, the stay to save what money they can.
Last week, Mom and Sara rolled into the rest stop they have been sleeping in for a few nights. The place was marked as a rest stop and right next to the little building that houses restrooms for the rest stop is the Sheriff's department. Naturally, the two women felt they were safe being that law enforcement sat next to them.
One night, last week, a member of the department walked out to them and asked them why they were out in the stop every night. Instead of using the words "homeless," Mom and Sara told the officer that they drive back and forth from Jacksonville and Tyler at times, but for this week they planned to live in the car to save gas. Without sounding commanding, the officer asked questions with a scoff like: "Don't you get a paycheck?" "Why don't you get a place here in Jacksonville?" "Don't you have any friends that can help you out?"
I understood what he meant, because I used to ask the same questions to people in situations like ours. There is that moment of thinking how "better off you are than they are" or "By the grace of God, there go I." I remember watching people how looked like they haven't seen a day's meal in weeks and thinking to myself, "Why can't they just get a job?" It is in human nature to judge people, we do it whether we saying it out loud or not. This was what this man was going through and I do not judge him being human. However, what the man did next changed the course of my thinking and will do so for the rest of my life. I hope it does for you.
"You can't stay here. I know you aren't causing trouble and you need a place to rest, but you can't stay here." His words slice through my heart everyday, and what's worse is that I can hear them retold through a crying Mother over the phone.
My mother's spirit wasn't the same after that, in fact, she sobbed most of those days in that week. A man decorated with the uniform to protect people had just told these two innocent women, "I don't want you here and I don't care where you go."
After that, my mother constantly worries when someone will walk up and knock on her window just to judge her and cast her to the side. In many ways, it reminds me of what our family did to us. I am so glad that God sent Sara with her, because without that woman's strength and "I don't give a damn" attitude, Mom would have broken down in that week.
God sent them a place to stay now and the two have been enjoying it. Of course, they found a public swimming lake nearby where they have been taking "spit baths" (Does not require spit, but a wet wash rag and soap) and washing their hair.
Charlie and I have encountered a situation on that very same week that I would like to share with you.
One night, as Charlie and I prepared for the next day with my interview at Suddenlink and Mom and Sara's weekend visit, a man drove up in a silver mini-van. He was riding with his elderly mother. The two stopped and the man leaned called to me from the driver's side looking at me through the passenger side where his mother sat.
"Excuse me, sir? My mother and I are in some trouble. Our electricity is going to be shut off and I need to get it turned back on to keep the cool going for my Mom."
My heart went out to them. This happened after the awful story my own mother told me over the phone about the officer.
I walked up to the passenger side, glanced at his mother and then back to the man. Here I was, a man with two bucks in his pocket to survive on for four more days with my kid sister relying on me. I wanted to lie to him, but I couldn't.
"My heart goes out to you man, but I really don't have any money. I have two bucks to my name at the moment and we are living in our vehicles just to save money." I pointed to the bags in the car. "I can't offer you much, but I will keep you in my prayers."
The man and his mother looked at our vehicles with surprise, I guess they didn't expect to find this about us. The man looked back to me with a nod. "Oh man, I didn't have any idea. Hey, listen, I'll keep you in my prayers too man."
I leaned in and shook both of their hands. "I really do hope it turns out good for you man."
He drove off and Charlie and I went about our business. We did vow not to tell Mother about this moment, because she would freak out about people stopping by.
As the night rolled on, Charlie and I ended up on the speaker phone talking to Sara and Mom. At some point, the very same man pulled up next to the truck and got out of his van. Charlie panicked, I did the same. He walked up to our window with a handful of singles.
"I score some money tonight, and I was ... Are you certain you have no money?" He asked me.
I nodded. "Oh I am certain about that."
He started to count out the money. "Well, you can have some of this man, because I don't want you to go without eating."
I couldn't believe it. The very same type of person that I once thought as poor or annoying was going to help me out. I nearly cried on the spot. After so many years of judging people like him, this child of God was offering me money. I used to stand over them with false pride and hugged my wallet in my back pocket. You can imagine the emotion I felt at the moment.
My mind went blank, which means God is taking control. I am basically an idiot when it comes down to saying wise words, so when I go blank, it means God has something to say.
"Don't worry about it man. You have to do what you have to do. I am grateful to hear that God has blessed you tonight, brother, but you need this more than me."
Charlie was shocked, but remained silent.
The man looked at me with shock as well. "Are you sure? We ... We got to take care of each other out here."
I smiled. "I hear ya brother, but listen, what is your name?"
"Ricky." (True name by the way.)
I held out my hand and shook his. "My name is Ray, and that is enough for me man. It is enough to meet another brother of God out in this jungle. You go and take care of what you need to and I will take care of mine. Just keep us in our prayers and we will be praying for you, that is how we should take care of each other, brother." (Note, I have never used the words Brother in my life.)
The man actually choked up. "Wow ... Man, you got me to tear up." He hesitatly walked away. "Ya'll have a good night, take care and God bless."
"Later man." I said, not knowing if I would ever seen Ricky again.
I later regreted turning down that cash, I could have gotten a hamburger over the crackers I was going to eat that night. (Joking, of course.)
Another situation that I have posted needs to be explained in minor detail. I say minor because this friend I am going to tell you about has a long history with us.
This passed weekened, Mom was looking over the bank accounts, a depressing moment for all of us. It was about to become time that our phones and car insurance were to be cut off. During this time, with Mom and Sara living in Jacksonville and Charlie and I in Tyler, we need that source of communication. Other debts started to attack our accounts as well, including a debt to a loan office that has been two weeks pass due.
Mom looked to me and said, "We need to call Jody."
Jody is my ex-step-father and long time off and on friend. When I was in my teens, he was my boss/friend, getting me lawn mowing jobs from locals in Edgewood Texas. I am not going into the long history between us, but at some point, after the fire, we had silenced all communications with Jody and continued to do so within this year. Now, if you asked me how I felt about Jody in my past, I would have used many colorful words (none good). I was an enraged youth and Jody was in my way at times. Jody is also a man filled with rage and each of the four of us bumped heads with him over the years Mom was married to him.
After the fire, however, almost all of our family members either judged us about the situation or just did not care. There was no one asking me how I was doing or if my family was alright. There were only two people that cared, my estranged cousin from my father's side of the family and Jody. Day after day, Jody called my mother as well as all of our phones to get a hold of us. I eventually convienced my mother to put a call block on him. It was then that he went to the local library in Canton to send us emails, which to his credit I have to applaud because Jody isn't a fan of technology.
He kept telling us he was always there and that if we needed anything just to call on him. At the time, I felt his pleas of wanting to help more annoying than nails on the chalk board, but giving the situation, I felt that a little annoyance was okay. We needed to call on him for a cash loan of five hundred dollars, not even a day's work at Old Navy.
There was another reason why I needed to call Jody. The man lived in our burned home as well, he bought it in fact. It was his home as well and he had to deal with the loss of the house. Granted, he did move out a few months prior to the fire, but he did live in it off and on with us. He deserved an explaination and a hug, in my opinion. (Me having that opinion, shows that I have made great stride out here.)
I called him and spoke about the loan, I left out what was going on. He told me how glad he was happy to hear from me and nearly broke into tears over the phone. I almost did the same. When I told him about the amount, he asked me if it was about the loan office that has a bill pass due.
"I paid that the other day, dude." Jody told me.
Without reason, or thought of benefit, this man went and paid our debt without telling us.
"I wanted it to be a surprise."
My mouth hit the floor. Here I was about to ask for more money. The debt he paid, including his own loan payment, was almost four hundred dollars. Which means I was about to ask him to pay five hundred dollars more.
We met in Athens on Sunday and had breakfast at, you guessed it, McDonalds in Athens. He shared what he was going through, not hearing from us and only getting to see the burnt house. I told him about what had happened after the fire up to the eviction, I didn't want to share any more about that.
You will have to understand that even though this is a personal blog about our life Without Walls, I do not wish to share anymore personal information about Jody and his relationship to this family. I will only state this man stepped out and cared for us when most people would only just cast us aside and say, "You don't belong here." This man, whether or not in his own reasons, handed me five hundred dollars in cash with a smile.
My own father, whom I haven't spoken with for two years now, doesn't really care what is happening in my life and isn't trying to find out if I am okay. Jody, an ex-step-father, cared just enough to keep emailing me and asking me if I was okay.
Sometimes, just having someone on the other end of the line saying, "I am here for you," is just enough to get through the day. We forget, in this rat race of life, that just caring enough to say, "Bro, you need me, I am there," can change someone's life. To have someone stop by and hold out a little bit of cash that they could use on an electric bill is just enough to show that there is some humanity left in this world. A smile, a handshake, or a hug could let the person know, "I am here for you." So many times in my own personal life, I rejected that call. I hated the thought of reaching out and touching someone. I never wanted to think that someone was on the same level as I was. Yet, as I look up at the tall expensive towers of this small town in East Texas, I realize that all we do is create idols in our minds; sometimes of other people, most of the time of ourselves. Even though doing that is a sin against God, it also drives us away from the people we should be relying on.
From now on, when I see someone in need, I won't always think of Ricky, but of my Mother and Sister. I will see their tired eyes and messed up hair. I won't be the person that says, "You don't belong here," because they do belong here just as much as I do. When you really think about it, you cannot cast out someone you care for, but you can to a total stranger. Yet, if you honestly look at them, they are someone close to you, they are a brother and sister in Christ. They are our family. Sure, there are going to be "bad apples." There are going to be people going to take advantage of you and run all over you, but learning to tell between the people who care and the people only care for themselves is a talent you gain through the wisedom of God.
The events for today? Well, I aimed to write a more heartfelt blog post than I have been doing, so I guess I check that off my list. Charlie, at the moment, is drawing some awesome illustrations in her notebook of wonder. We are killing time on our day off, because tomorrow I go in to do my paper work at Suddenlink and will have to work at my dear Old Navy store. If you want to hang out and spend some time talking about our amazing Father in heaven and share your life's story, head down to the McDs in Tyler Texas. We will welcome you with open arms and loving hearts to our family in loving Christ Jesus.
--Night
I personally love the Fall over all seasons, I believe that everyone loves it about the same. Even living A Home Without Walls, I still cannot shake this smile off my face when I see the Fall leaves fall onto my car/home at the moment.
I understand that my posts have been short here lately, not that I am excusing myself, but I have been writing on my phone. I am going to try to get on the laptop more in order to spill more beans about what we are facing out here.
Charlie and I have been living in the Walmart parking lot in Tyler Texas. I have been living in a truck while she has been staying in the car. We have met so many people out in the temp area we are living in at the moment. Over the course of two weeks, Charlie and I have encountered others in the same situation, employees that face hunger on a daily basis and many birds sqawking us awake.
With thirteen bucks in our wallet, we look forward to this week eating only bread and peanut butter. The local Dollar Tree has gallons of water for only a dollar, which comes in handy when you live right in front of them.
There have not been any questions made to us about the situation we are in, however there are many eyes upon us everyday. I am not certain if it is because we are constantly worried when someone will walk up and point fingers at us, or if it is the natural curiousity that people have. Either way, I let it be known that we are just trying to live our lives and conducting in the lessons of God. Yet, Charlie and I have been lucky, no one has "shooed" us away from our sleeping spot; Mom and Sara have not.
I am uncertain if I wrote about this particular moment last week, but if I did, I want to go into more detail.
Mom and Sara have employment in Jacksonville, a mere forty minutes from where we stay at the moment. Because we lack the funds for them to drive back and forth between Tyler and Jacksonville, the two have decided to stay in the town close to their jobs. These means the removal of local sources we are used to: Showers at the Wildlife Park; Walmart or Dollar Tree; the McDonalds. Yet, the stay to save what money they can.
Last week, Mom and Sara rolled into the rest stop they have been sleeping in for a few nights. The place was marked as a rest stop and right next to the little building that houses restrooms for the rest stop is the Sheriff's department. Naturally, the two women felt they were safe being that law enforcement sat next to them.
One night, last week, a member of the department walked out to them and asked them why they were out in the stop every night. Instead of using the words "homeless," Mom and Sara told the officer that they drive back and forth from Jacksonville and Tyler at times, but for this week they planned to live in the car to save gas. Without sounding commanding, the officer asked questions with a scoff like: "Don't you get a paycheck?" "Why don't you get a place here in Jacksonville?" "Don't you have any friends that can help you out?"
I understood what he meant, because I used to ask the same questions to people in situations like ours. There is that moment of thinking how "better off you are than they are" or "By the grace of God, there go I." I remember watching people how looked like they haven't seen a day's meal in weeks and thinking to myself, "Why can't they just get a job?" It is in human nature to judge people, we do it whether we saying it out loud or not. This was what this man was going through and I do not judge him being human. However, what the man did next changed the course of my thinking and will do so for the rest of my life. I hope it does for you.
"You can't stay here. I know you aren't causing trouble and you need a place to rest, but you can't stay here." His words slice through my heart everyday, and what's worse is that I can hear them retold through a crying Mother over the phone.
My mother's spirit wasn't the same after that, in fact, she sobbed most of those days in that week. A man decorated with the uniform to protect people had just told these two innocent women, "I don't want you here and I don't care where you go."
After that, my mother constantly worries when someone will walk up and knock on her window just to judge her and cast her to the side. In many ways, it reminds me of what our family did to us. I am so glad that God sent Sara with her, because without that woman's strength and "I don't give a damn" attitude, Mom would have broken down in that week.
God sent them a place to stay now and the two have been enjoying it. Of course, they found a public swimming lake nearby where they have been taking "spit baths" (Does not require spit, but a wet wash rag and soap) and washing their hair.
Charlie and I have encountered a situation on that very same week that I would like to share with you.
One night, as Charlie and I prepared for the next day with my interview at Suddenlink and Mom and Sara's weekend visit, a man drove up in a silver mini-van. He was riding with his elderly mother. The two stopped and the man leaned called to me from the driver's side looking at me through the passenger side where his mother sat.
"Excuse me, sir? My mother and I are in some trouble. Our electricity is going to be shut off and I need to get it turned back on to keep the cool going for my Mom."
My heart went out to them. This happened after the awful story my own mother told me over the phone about the officer.
I walked up to the passenger side, glanced at his mother and then back to the man. Here I was, a man with two bucks in his pocket to survive on for four more days with my kid sister relying on me. I wanted to lie to him, but I couldn't.
"My heart goes out to you man, but I really don't have any money. I have two bucks to my name at the moment and we are living in our vehicles just to save money." I pointed to the bags in the car. "I can't offer you much, but I will keep you in my prayers."
The man and his mother looked at our vehicles with surprise, I guess they didn't expect to find this about us. The man looked back to me with a nod. "Oh man, I didn't have any idea. Hey, listen, I'll keep you in my prayers too man."
I leaned in and shook both of their hands. "I really do hope it turns out good for you man."
He drove off and Charlie and I went about our business. We did vow not to tell Mother about this moment, because she would freak out about people stopping by.
As the night rolled on, Charlie and I ended up on the speaker phone talking to Sara and Mom. At some point, the very same man pulled up next to the truck and got out of his van. Charlie panicked, I did the same. He walked up to our window with a handful of singles.
"I score some money tonight, and I was ... Are you certain you have no money?" He asked me.
I nodded. "Oh I am certain about that."
He started to count out the money. "Well, you can have some of this man, because I don't want you to go without eating."
I couldn't believe it. The very same type of person that I once thought as poor or annoying was going to help me out. I nearly cried on the spot. After so many years of judging people like him, this child of God was offering me money. I used to stand over them with false pride and hugged my wallet in my back pocket. You can imagine the emotion I felt at the moment.
My mind went blank, which means God is taking control. I am basically an idiot when it comes down to saying wise words, so when I go blank, it means God has something to say.
"Don't worry about it man. You have to do what you have to do. I am grateful to hear that God has blessed you tonight, brother, but you need this more than me."
Charlie was shocked, but remained silent.
The man looked at me with shock as well. "Are you sure? We ... We got to take care of each other out here."
I smiled. "I hear ya brother, but listen, what is your name?"
"Ricky." (True name by the way.)
I held out my hand and shook his. "My name is Ray, and that is enough for me man. It is enough to meet another brother of God out in this jungle. You go and take care of what you need to and I will take care of mine. Just keep us in our prayers and we will be praying for you, that is how we should take care of each other, brother." (Note, I have never used the words Brother in my life.)
The man actually choked up. "Wow ... Man, you got me to tear up." He hesitatly walked away. "Ya'll have a good night, take care and God bless."
"Later man." I said, not knowing if I would ever seen Ricky again.
I later regreted turning down that cash, I could have gotten a hamburger over the crackers I was going to eat that night. (Joking, of course.)
Another situation that I have posted needs to be explained in minor detail. I say minor because this friend I am going to tell you about has a long history with us.
This passed weekened, Mom was looking over the bank accounts, a depressing moment for all of us. It was about to become time that our phones and car insurance were to be cut off. During this time, with Mom and Sara living in Jacksonville and Charlie and I in Tyler, we need that source of communication. Other debts started to attack our accounts as well, including a debt to a loan office that has been two weeks pass due.
Mom looked to me and said, "We need to call Jody."
Jody is my ex-step-father and long time off and on friend. When I was in my teens, he was my boss/friend, getting me lawn mowing jobs from locals in Edgewood Texas. I am not going into the long history between us, but at some point, after the fire, we had silenced all communications with Jody and continued to do so within this year. Now, if you asked me how I felt about Jody in my past, I would have used many colorful words (none good). I was an enraged youth and Jody was in my way at times. Jody is also a man filled with rage and each of the four of us bumped heads with him over the years Mom was married to him.
After the fire, however, almost all of our family members either judged us about the situation or just did not care. There was no one asking me how I was doing or if my family was alright. There were only two people that cared, my estranged cousin from my father's side of the family and Jody. Day after day, Jody called my mother as well as all of our phones to get a hold of us. I eventually convienced my mother to put a call block on him. It was then that he went to the local library in Canton to send us emails, which to his credit I have to applaud because Jody isn't a fan of technology.
He kept telling us he was always there and that if we needed anything just to call on him. At the time, I felt his pleas of wanting to help more annoying than nails on the chalk board, but giving the situation, I felt that a little annoyance was okay. We needed to call on him for a cash loan of five hundred dollars, not even a day's work at Old Navy.
There was another reason why I needed to call Jody. The man lived in our burned home as well, he bought it in fact. It was his home as well and he had to deal with the loss of the house. Granted, he did move out a few months prior to the fire, but he did live in it off and on with us. He deserved an explaination and a hug, in my opinion. (Me having that opinion, shows that I have made great stride out here.)
I called him and spoke about the loan, I left out what was going on. He told me how glad he was happy to hear from me and nearly broke into tears over the phone. I almost did the same. When I told him about the amount, he asked me if it was about the loan office that has a bill pass due.
"I paid that the other day, dude." Jody told me.
Without reason, or thought of benefit, this man went and paid our debt without telling us.
"I wanted it to be a surprise."
My mouth hit the floor. Here I was about to ask for more money. The debt he paid, including his own loan payment, was almost four hundred dollars. Which means I was about to ask him to pay five hundred dollars more.
We met in Athens on Sunday and had breakfast at, you guessed it, McDonalds in Athens. He shared what he was going through, not hearing from us and only getting to see the burnt house. I told him about what had happened after the fire up to the eviction, I didn't want to share any more about that.
You will have to understand that even though this is a personal blog about our life Without Walls, I do not wish to share anymore personal information about Jody and his relationship to this family. I will only state this man stepped out and cared for us when most people would only just cast us aside and say, "You don't belong here." This man, whether or not in his own reasons, handed me five hundred dollars in cash with a smile.
My own father, whom I haven't spoken with for two years now, doesn't really care what is happening in my life and isn't trying to find out if I am okay. Jody, an ex-step-father, cared just enough to keep emailing me and asking me if I was okay.
Sometimes, just having someone on the other end of the line saying, "I am here for you," is just enough to get through the day. We forget, in this rat race of life, that just caring enough to say, "Bro, you need me, I am there," can change someone's life. To have someone stop by and hold out a little bit of cash that they could use on an electric bill is just enough to show that there is some humanity left in this world. A smile, a handshake, or a hug could let the person know, "I am here for you." So many times in my own personal life, I rejected that call. I hated the thought of reaching out and touching someone. I never wanted to think that someone was on the same level as I was. Yet, as I look up at the tall expensive towers of this small town in East Texas, I realize that all we do is create idols in our minds; sometimes of other people, most of the time of ourselves. Even though doing that is a sin against God, it also drives us away from the people we should be relying on.
From now on, when I see someone in need, I won't always think of Ricky, but of my Mother and Sister. I will see their tired eyes and messed up hair. I won't be the person that says, "You don't belong here," because they do belong here just as much as I do. When you really think about it, you cannot cast out someone you care for, but you can to a total stranger. Yet, if you honestly look at them, they are someone close to you, they are a brother and sister in Christ. They are our family. Sure, there are going to be "bad apples." There are going to be people going to take advantage of you and run all over you, but learning to tell between the people who care and the people only care for themselves is a talent you gain through the wisedom of God.
The events for today? Well, I aimed to write a more heartfelt blog post than I have been doing, so I guess I check that off my list. Charlie, at the moment, is drawing some awesome illustrations in her notebook of wonder. We are killing time on our day off, because tomorrow I go in to do my paper work at Suddenlink and will have to work at my dear Old Navy store. If you want to hang out and spend some time talking about our amazing Father in heaven and share your life's story, head down to the McDs in Tyler Texas. We will welcome you with open arms and loving hearts to our family in loving Christ Jesus.
--Night
Monday, September 30, 2013
9/29/2013
The last I posted something, I believe that I mentioned something about starting a new job at Suddenlink as well as working part time at Old Navy. I am sorry that I haven't updated you guys in a long time, but there isn't really much to comment on.
Today was Charlie's first day on the job at Hastings Entertainment. She was excited and nervous at the same time, I know I would be if I received my dream job.
Mom and Sara came down this pass weekend to swim and spend time with Charlie and I. After weeks of only eating crackers and drinking warm water, Sara received her check and we went to the local CiCi's pizza joint.
For those that have never heard of this place, it is a cheap pizza buffet, like $5 a person.
In my past, I would have complained about eating at a cheap place, but I thanked God every bite I had Friday night.
With two weeks to go until all four of us get a check, we needed to reach out to an old friend of ours for a loan. Thank you again, Jody, you saved our butts.
This is the first week that we will be working for something. We sleep in a parking lot with no shower and just enough money to survive another week. God always provides if we just trust in his will.
I told Charlie the other day: "After all this settles and a year has passed, I want us all four to meet up at the McD's, where I first wrote A Home Without Walls summery, and see how much we have changed." That is my goal now.
Everyday we lose weight, gain wisedom and feel God's power. All the things I have seen, I can't imagine going back to my bastard ways.
--Night
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
9/24/2013
As time rolls on, Charlie is starting work at Hastings, Mom has an interview at a job in Tyler and I have two jobs coming up ... Yes two.
Glory be to God, he answers prayers and gives in abundance. Hot Topic and my old job at Old Navy is ready to put me to work and I am excited.
With all the blessings heading our way, I can't help the smile as we face the challenge of surviving on a mere $13 these next four days. Even with Sara's bank threatening to close her account, I still believe that God will provide for us and salvaging our damaged credit will be done. It might take a year, possibly two, but it can be done.
We are going to move the vehicles from the Wal-Mart parking lot onto the other side of the parking lot.
After staying here for about two days, Charlie and I have noticed a band of men walking around with back packs and asking for money. I have been keeping an eye on these guys and find their actions odd. They look properly dressed and look like they haven't missed a day of food. There is a patch of woods at the back of Wal-Mart and this is the area they take their exit and enterance. Last night, one of the men waited until 2 A.M to walk up to this nice looking car. Being the curious person I am, I watched as he opened the passenger side, tossed in his bag and hopped into the driver's side to drive off. He seemed suspicious about leaving in that car.
I am not certain if he was afraid someone was going to find out he isn't homeless or that he was driving a stolen car, but he acted strange.
I will be glad to go back to camping in a tent. I don't want to complain, but I am getting cramped in the cab of the truck.
--Night
Monday, September 23, 2013
9/22/2013
I was too busy to post an entry last night, but things are settling down enough for me to make a post.
Note: You have read my past posts and have seen my titles, but since I am posting from phone, the entries are going look a little different.
This is the second night sleeping in our vehicles. We spent last night at a rest stop, two in one vehicle then Sara in another and myself in the truck. However, tonight is different; Sara and mother has jobs in another city and Charlie has one in Tyler. Because of this, Mom and Sara are sleeping at a rest stop in the other city and Charlie and myself are sleeping in a Wal-Mart parking lot tonight.
Mom kept hugging each of us before she left with Sara. I kept telling her that everything was going to be alright, but she kept hugging us and telling us that she is going to miss us.
It has become trouble to find outlets to charge my e-cig and phone; the charging time for an e-cig is almost three hours. The charging time frame is the reason why I am posting/writing from phone. By the way, download the "writer" app from google play store, it is awesome.
Glory be to God. Things are changing within us everyday! We visited the Church Under The Bridge this Sunday and the pastor's surmmon was right on the money on what I have been saying: God either wants you to be on fire for him or be cold so that He can stir a fire within you. Amen.
--Night
Friday, September 20, 2013
9/20/2013
A Home Without Walls
9/20/2013
9:03 P.M
By: Ray (The Night Author) Homan
Beds soak wet and senses flared with fear, we head to bed on a rainy night.
During a heavy rain today, our tent slightly flooded. Our bedding was soaked and it happened during the time we were out. The forecast perdicts that it will drop down to 58 degrees tonight. I pray we do not get sick.
Charlie started her first day at McDs and nearly wanted to kill everyone that she was working with. I do hope her interview with Hastings goes well tomorrow. It will be a good pace of a job for her.
Still no calls for myself. Not sure what else to say for that other than God is doing His will in my life, so I do not worry about the job search. When He deems me ready to take a job, He will grant it.
Mom received a job today, praise God! She starts Monday at 8 A.M.
I was climbing down from the bed of the truck and slipped off the tail gate. I tell ya, slamming onto the pavement with a twisted ankle, a grown man can revise that episode of Family Guy when Peter tripped and he held onto his knee making a hissing sound.
--Night
9/19/2013
A Home Without Walls 9/19/2013 8:16 P.M I find that I miss my vaping more than taking to the tobacco pipe. The taste is awful, which is a good thing because I am no longer addicted to burning tobacco.
Sara's attitude is uplifted here lately. She is always singing to us and playing guitar as we read from His book at night before bed.
Charlie received another job offer at Hastings Entertainment. The call to the job interview came earlier today before she went into McDonalds for training. I told her that she should go for the job since the fast food industry is too demanding for someone that doesn't like pressure like herself.
Still no calls for myself or mother even after she went in for an interview and I completed an assestment test for Suddenlink. Someone is dragging their feet on that one.
Rain finally came down today, praise God. The weather is finally going to cool down around here.
--Night
Thursday, September 19, 2013
9/18/2013
A Home Without Walls Entry #9 9/18/2013 11:20 P.M After a year of only vaping, I have gone back smoking a tabcco pipe. I was forced to it since my bottom feed Protank 2 bubbles when in hot weather; it is fine when I use it in morning or at night. I will only use the pipe during the hotest time of the day.
I have decided, since I have not received a call from any job employers, to fill out an application for the McDs down the road. I will be able to make enough money to pay back my debt and everything else I need.
We traveled around to find a pair of black pants for Charlie to wear with her uniform. It was difficult because Charlie is a tall woman and most resale shops sell shorter leg length.
During that time, while Charlie tried on clothing, Mom and I spoke of how hard it is to find jobs in the Tyler area. It is hard to hold on to faith during this time. There are times I want to grow angry with everyone and curse my life. When those times rise, I turn to God's book and pray.
Faith can be restored if you know who to turn to. I believe if I didn't have my family out here with me I would have died along time ago.
The battle rages on with the racoons. They are clever little buggers. I might upload a picture of a racoon hat that I made. There is a homemade reciepe that will keep them away. I'll keep you updated if I use it.
--Night
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
9/17/2013
A Home Without Walls
Entry #8
9/17/2013
10:54 P.M
By: Ray(The Night Author) Homan
I have switched from my laptop to my tablet to write these entries. Not much of a change for you, but a big one for me.
Charlie received her uniform and is going to start this Thursday. There is part excitement and fear on her part. The jobs previous to this one were slower and more private.
Sara is going through some depression at this point and instead of crowding her at the moment, we have decided to give her space. Mostly, she doesn't talk.
Mom and I are still keeping faith that God will provide us jobs soon. The only calls we have received are from bill collectors, who happen to be threatening rather than warning us of our late payments. One in particular angered me, but I leave that be at the moment.
God does provide though! After we canceled our water utility, we received a $60 deposit back. Praise be His name!
Hold the faith brothers and sisters, God will provide. Keep us in your prayers as we keep you in ours.
--Night
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Failed pictures in last post
I check my account and noticed that the pictures I uploaded failed. Here is a re-upload of them:
9/16/2013
A Home Without Walls
Entry #7
9/16/2013
8:49 P.M
By: Ray (The Night Author) Homan
The week has started and no phone calls (Job calls) for me just yet. Charlie was suppose to receive a call from McDonalds, her new job, today for what day she should be in training, but no call. Mom is prepared for her interview tomorrow, which I pray goes well.
Tonight is kind of stuffy, but we are told that rain will arrive soon. We rejoice in His name for the chance of rain. It will cool things down around here.
I was called to go hiking today to study His word and speak with him. He told me to read in the book of Phillipians, a letter from Paul that was all about thanking God and being content. I read to chapter three and I was told to walk down the trail. I kept walking and walking until he stopped me at this little spot with a bench. The sunlight shown down through the trees like a spotlight and in the middle of this spotlight was a little clearing. In the little clearing was a cross made by two small sticks; a person before me had placed the sticks there.
I sat down and continued to pray and read in His book. After finishing Phillipians, I rose my hands to the sky and let out a heavy prayer. I was filled with joy and happiness as I spoke to him and praised his name. When my "class" was over, I made a twig cross of my own and sat it next to the previous one.
When I arrived back to our campsite, Mom was busy organizing her stuff; she told me that she would like to trim down her supply of clothing and would place the extra stuff in the storage we rented out earlier. Charlie was fast asleep in her chair. I could not help but think about the message he showed me the hour before, "Be content and thankful."
I decided to sleep for the rest of the day, after a good book from my Nook app. I think I have three book reading apps on my phone: Nook, Kindle and Kobo. If I had to choose my favorite, it would have to be Kobo, but I am fond of the Nook as well. The book I read was called Ginger Bread Man, but I cannot recall the author at the moment.
The tent was hot, I practically sweat off all the water I had drank for that day within thirty minutes. After a very uncomfortable nap, we went for swim and Sara joined us after coming home from work.
We sat down at the picnic table at the park store house and charged our laptops along heating up our canned soup in the slow cooker. Just as a reminder, there isn't any electricity in our camp site and there is a burn ban in effect around here; which means we have to visit the park store every night to heat up soup and charge our devices.
Everyone was laughing and carrying on about the events during the day. I could not get the idea of being content out of my mind. We are content and we are thankful for everyday we get to serve the Lord.
--Night
Entry #7
9/16/2013
8:49 P.M
By: Ray (The Night Author) Homan
The week has started and no phone calls (Job calls) for me just yet. Charlie was suppose to receive a call from McDonalds, her new job, today for what day she should be in training, but no call. Mom is prepared for her interview tomorrow, which I pray goes well.
Tonight is kind of stuffy, but we are told that rain will arrive soon. We rejoice in His name for the chance of rain. It will cool things down around here.
I was called to go hiking today to study His word and speak with him. He told me to read in the book of Phillipians, a letter from Paul that was all about thanking God and being content. I read to chapter three and I was told to walk down the trail. I kept walking and walking until he stopped me at this little spot with a bench. The sunlight shown down through the trees like a spotlight and in the middle of this spotlight was a little clearing. In the little clearing was a cross made by two small sticks; a person before me had placed the sticks there.
I sat down and continued to pray and read in His book. After finishing Phillipians, I rose my hands to the sky and let out a heavy prayer. I was filled with joy and happiness as I spoke to him and praised his name. When my "class" was over, I made a twig cross of my own and sat it next to the previous one.
When I arrived back to our campsite, Mom was busy organizing her stuff; she told me that she would like to trim down her supply of clothing and would place the extra stuff in the storage we rented out earlier. Charlie was fast asleep in her chair. I could not help but think about the message he showed me the hour before, "Be content and thankful."
I decided to sleep for the rest of the day, after a good book from my Nook app. I think I have three book reading apps on my phone: Nook, Kindle and Kobo. If I had to choose my favorite, it would have to be Kobo, but I am fond of the Nook as well. The book I read was called Ginger Bread Man, but I cannot recall the author at the moment.
The tent was hot, I practically sweat off all the water I had drank for that day within thirty minutes. After a very uncomfortable nap, we went for swim and Sara joined us after coming home from work.
We sat down at the picnic table at the park store house and charged our laptops along heating up our canned soup in the slow cooker. Just as a reminder, there isn't any electricity in our camp site and there is a burn ban in effect around here; which means we have to visit the park store every night to heat up soup and charge our devices.
Everyone was laughing and carrying on about the events during the day. I could not get the idea of being content out of my mind. We are content and we are thankful for everyday we get to serve the Lord.
--Night
9/15/2013
A Home Without Walls
Entry # 6
9/15/2013
11:10 P.M
By: Ray (The Night Author) Homan
It is spooky where we are living in now. Since our "lease" came up at the previous camp site, we had to move into another for tonight. At the current rate, we would only be spending $77 as oppose to the $150 we spent for the other camp site. Granted, we lose electricity and there is no one that is camping around us, but it is cheaper and more peaceful ... During the daylight that is.
At the current time, I am working on the sequel book to Club Red, The Terrible Night at Carnival Red, and I have a lot of creepy images floating through my mind. Which helps my writing I guess.
There is a quarter of a mile hike to the bathrooms in this area, which isn't bad in the daylight. I had to walk up through the woods and then back after a shower. Every step I took, I was reminded what to do and what not to do in a horror movie situation like this; countless hours of horror movie watching had to have some reason.
The racoons are dangerous in this portion of the woods; even writing this, a racoon had gotten into the bed of our truck and had scattered unused plastic dishes around. When I ran out to him, he scampered off. As I started to clean up the mess, he was on the picnic table trying to get into the ice chest, which only has ice water in it! We went back and forth until I put everything into the tent.
Emotions ran high today. We visited the church under the bridge, which was a church home that my mother and sister had been going to before this time. This church appeals to both church going Christians and the homeless ones that live on the street. The church staff give out free baskets of food and offer coffee with waffles.
It wasn't the homeless life that brought me to the church, it was the waffles.
Everything that the pastor spoke about this morning was almost identical to what I have been saying here lately: God is changing us; he is putting us through harsh times to see his love; he brought us out here to create new beings. I thought it was eerie how he was speaking on the same cords as we have been out here.
After the surmmon, we went to do laundry at a very nice laundry mat, complete with free wi-fi. I was trying to upload last night's blod entry, but the wi-fi needed a passcode and the clerk didn't know it at the time.
Once we left from the laundry mat, Sara said that she wanted to try asking around at a nearby ranch for work. She has been trying to get a job working with horses since she was a child and she felt that today was her time to venture about. But, like I feared, the place only hired people with degrees and it was one of those places, "You need to know someone that knows the owner to get a job there." Very unfair if you ask me. Sara has years of training horses and she can spot a breed in a field filled with all kinds of horses. If you ask me, her knowledge about the equine nature could surpass the one that has a degree.
After the little venture to the ranch, our emotions were running high. It was hot outside and we were very hungry. So, tempers started to heat up around here and there were words exchanged. We collected ourselves and apologized for the harsh words expressed. We all know that if we start to push each other away with harsh words, we will not be able to make it peacefully out here. It will take the four of us to be strong in God's will.
The question keeps coming up, "What do we say when we are asked why are we constantly camping out?" We have kicked the idea around, because we know that question is going to come up at some point or another. To be honest, the only thing to say is, "We like to camp." The wildlife parks are looking for money and since we have an annual pass along with camping gear, why not camp? We would be spending more in a hotel room and even more in a rented house. The point of us camping out, with limited luxury, is to save money that will pay back our debt.
At first, I was a little ashamed of becoming homeless, but now I am proud. I am not homeless, because I have found God out in these woods. When you live within God, you are never homeless. He has provided us many things out on this trip and is changing us from within. If I cannot be proud of that, then what can I be proud of? God wanted us out here to make us stronger and wiser, for that, I am proud of saying that I love to camp out in God's wilderness to get away from all the distractions of the outside world.
--Night
Entry # 6
9/15/2013
11:10 P.M
By: Ray (The Night Author) Homan
It is spooky where we are living in now. Since our "lease" came up at the previous camp site, we had to move into another for tonight. At the current rate, we would only be spending $77 as oppose to the $150 we spent for the other camp site. Granted, we lose electricity and there is no one that is camping around us, but it is cheaper and more peaceful ... During the daylight that is.
At the current time, I am working on the sequel book to Club Red, The Terrible Night at Carnival Red, and I have a lot of creepy images floating through my mind. Which helps my writing I guess.
There is a quarter of a mile hike to the bathrooms in this area, which isn't bad in the daylight. I had to walk up through the woods and then back after a shower. Every step I took, I was reminded what to do and what not to do in a horror movie situation like this; countless hours of horror movie watching had to have some reason.
The racoons are dangerous in this portion of the woods; even writing this, a racoon had gotten into the bed of our truck and had scattered unused plastic dishes around. When I ran out to him, he scampered off. As I started to clean up the mess, he was on the picnic table trying to get into the ice chest, which only has ice water in it! We went back and forth until I put everything into the tent.
Emotions ran high today. We visited the church under the bridge, which was a church home that my mother and sister had been going to before this time. This church appeals to both church going Christians and the homeless ones that live on the street. The church staff give out free baskets of food and offer coffee with waffles.
It wasn't the homeless life that brought me to the church, it was the waffles.
Everything that the pastor spoke about this morning was almost identical to what I have been saying here lately: God is changing us; he is putting us through harsh times to see his love; he brought us out here to create new beings. I thought it was eerie how he was speaking on the same cords as we have been out here.
After the surmmon, we went to do laundry at a very nice laundry mat, complete with free wi-fi. I was trying to upload last night's blod entry, but the wi-fi needed a passcode and the clerk didn't know it at the time.
Once we left from the laundry mat, Sara said that she wanted to try asking around at a nearby ranch for work. She has been trying to get a job working with horses since she was a child and she felt that today was her time to venture about. But, like I feared, the place only hired people with degrees and it was one of those places, "You need to know someone that knows the owner to get a job there." Very unfair if you ask me. Sara has years of training horses and she can spot a breed in a field filled with all kinds of horses. If you ask me, her knowledge about the equine nature could surpass the one that has a degree.
After the little venture to the ranch, our emotions were running high. It was hot outside and we were very hungry. So, tempers started to heat up around here and there were words exchanged. We collected ourselves and apologized for the harsh words expressed. We all know that if we start to push each other away with harsh words, we will not be able to make it peacefully out here. It will take the four of us to be strong in God's will.
The question keeps coming up, "What do we say when we are asked why are we constantly camping out?" We have kicked the idea around, because we know that question is going to come up at some point or another. To be honest, the only thing to say is, "We like to camp." The wildlife parks are looking for money and since we have an annual pass along with camping gear, why not camp? We would be spending more in a hotel room and even more in a rented house. The point of us camping out, with limited luxury, is to save money that will pay back our debt.
At first, I was a little ashamed of becoming homeless, but now I am proud. I am not homeless, because I have found God out in these woods. When you live within God, you are never homeless. He has provided us many things out on this trip and is changing us from within. If I cannot be proud of that, then what can I be proud of? God wanted us out here to make us stronger and wiser, for that, I am proud of saying that I love to camp out in God's wilderness to get away from all the distractions of the outside world.
--Night
Sunday, September 15, 2013
9/14/2013
A Home Without Walls
Entry #5
9/14/2013
11:11 P.M
By: Ray (The Night Author) Homan
We are on our last day at this camp site. At the wildlife state park that we reside in at the moment there is a limit to two weeks when it comes to staying here overnight. It isn't a policy, just some rule the place sets up to keep squatters out. Even though I would argue until I am blue in the face that we are not squatters and that we do indeed take care of the park; we keeps our noise down; we keep our trash picked up and our camp site looking nice. Yet, because of bad apples in the past, they will be keeping an eye on us.
However, we are not leaving just yet, because we still have six days until we reach the two week mark.
Our plan is to camp in one camp space for two weeks and then move on to another wildlife park, or sleep in our cars at the rest stop for a couple nights only to return back to this very park.
We like it here, mainly because there is flexibility to the park. I wish to name the park, but for personal reasons, I will remain silent.
Tomorrow is Sunday, the day we stop and worship our creator at our church. I haven't been to church since I was fourteen, but I am making stride to connect with God. I and my family believe that going to church doesn't save you, or can make you into a better person, but it is a place where everyone can worship together and fellowship together.
Many people have a bad insight to church; personally I don't blame them because religion can burn people at some time or another. I know that my past church burned me, they kicked I and my sisters out because we sided with our mother during my parents divorce. It was a political game that I was not able to play out. Now I look at church like going to a bar: you sit down, hang out and talk with people. I know many of you reading this would hate me comparing church to a bar, but if you really think about it, that is what it is. Some people go in to look cool and smart; others come in to just relax and meet people. There are going to be fights and there are going to be harsh words, but in the end everyone gets a chance to meet people that could enrich their lives.
Religion and society today do not go hand in hand. Sure, many people will attend a free meeting and talk about how Miley Cyrus has lost her mind, but will not go to church.
There was a young man that I used to work with, he would go on and on about how Christians are ignorant and stupid. He claimed that they are always damning people or trying to send them to Hell only to claim that they could save them by praying with them.
Here I was, a Christian who wasn't strong in his faith and enjoyed our conversations. I didn't want to save him or want to condemn him to Hell, but he said that people of my faith did those things. I have a history with church talk and I knew what he was talking about. I had always hated the fact that Christians could not just sit down with someone and enjoy a conversation with them without throwing in how wrong they were and how much of a sinner they were. As a kid, I loved to hear about other religions and never thought about denying my God. If Christians are ignorant, I guess I am the black sheep of the faith.
Over the years working with people that hated Christians and called them stupid, I became very silent about my faith. I would agree on the points that I agreed with, but remained silent when a topic was raised on something that hurt my faith. In some way, I guess you could say, I believed them at some point and thought that Christians, including myself, were stupid people who only wanted to claim to save people.
It was not until a local man stood outside our office one day with a sign that read in bold red letters: God will send sinners to Hell! He spoke with a loud voice saying that all college students are going to Hell for sexual encounters and drinking all the time. He would yell at the people who spoke out against him and would say that the Devil was controlling their minds.
I never wanted to be associated to a radical like him, because to me, I live the portions of the Bible that say: "Love thy neighbor."
The young man that I mentioned, started to get very angry about the picket man. He printed out twenty pages of research on why Christianity was ignorant and scientific reason on why God did not exist. He took the pages and ran out to this "Holy man."
I stood outside, smoking my cigarette and watched in horror as my friend/co-worker started yelling in the man's face and spouting out everything printed out. The only way I could describe how my friend acted that day is those demon possession movies where the person is going into convulsions and yelling in strange tongues. If he vomited pea soup, I wouldn't have been surprised.
As I stood there, watching the Holy battle rage on, I noticed something. The man with the sign read from the Bible and quoted scripture, calling it truth. My friend read from his printed pages and called it truth. I didn't realize it until today that both were doing the exact same thing. They were both reading from something that someone else wrote and called it truth. They both were fighting about something that someone else said. None of them were thinking for themselves, but they acted as though both had done something to the other for personal revenge.
If I remember anything about the Bible, it is this, God is wrathful yes, but he is also loving. Your parent/guardian can either punish you or hug you. Most of God's punishment was before Christ came to pay for our sins. Now God can love us all the time because we do not have to pay for our sins. It is our get out of jail free card.
I often wonder if any of us know what we are talking about. We talk about war because it makes sense, but does it really? We talk about our religion and say it is truth, but is it really? By the end of the day it comes down to what you think and believe. I believe God is a loving god and wants us all to love one another. I guess you can call me the Christian Hippie. He doesn't hate us, so why do we hate each other?
I have come to realize that my friend's fight wasn't with me or the man with the sign, but with his heavenly father. The man with the sign's should have realized that God is a creator of love and he should follow that example.
Safe to say, after that day, the authorities escorted the man off the campus and he was never seen again. My friend claimed he won that day with truth, but somehow I felt like the only thing he won that day was another spot in the line waiting to love God.
--Night
Entry #5
9/14/2013
11:11 P.M
By: Ray (The Night Author) Homan
We are on our last day at this camp site. At the wildlife state park that we reside in at the moment there is a limit to two weeks when it comes to staying here overnight. It isn't a policy, just some rule the place sets up to keep squatters out. Even though I would argue until I am blue in the face that we are not squatters and that we do indeed take care of the park; we keeps our noise down; we keep our trash picked up and our camp site looking nice. Yet, because of bad apples in the past, they will be keeping an eye on us.
However, we are not leaving just yet, because we still have six days until we reach the two week mark.
Our plan is to camp in one camp space for two weeks and then move on to another wildlife park, or sleep in our cars at the rest stop for a couple nights only to return back to this very park.
We like it here, mainly because there is flexibility to the park. I wish to name the park, but for personal reasons, I will remain silent.
Tomorrow is Sunday, the day we stop and worship our creator at our church. I haven't been to church since I was fourteen, but I am making stride to connect with God. I and my family believe that going to church doesn't save you, or can make you into a better person, but it is a place where everyone can worship together and fellowship together.
Many people have a bad insight to church; personally I don't blame them because religion can burn people at some time or another. I know that my past church burned me, they kicked I and my sisters out because we sided with our mother during my parents divorce. It was a political game that I was not able to play out. Now I look at church like going to a bar: you sit down, hang out and talk with people. I know many of you reading this would hate me comparing church to a bar, but if you really think about it, that is what it is. Some people go in to look cool and smart; others come in to just relax and meet people. There are going to be fights and there are going to be harsh words, but in the end everyone gets a chance to meet people that could enrich their lives.
Religion and society today do not go hand in hand. Sure, many people will attend a free meeting and talk about how Miley Cyrus has lost her mind, but will not go to church.
There was a young man that I used to work with, he would go on and on about how Christians are ignorant and stupid. He claimed that they are always damning people or trying to send them to Hell only to claim that they could save them by praying with them.
Here I was, a Christian who wasn't strong in his faith and enjoyed our conversations. I didn't want to save him or want to condemn him to Hell, but he said that people of my faith did those things. I have a history with church talk and I knew what he was talking about. I had always hated the fact that Christians could not just sit down with someone and enjoy a conversation with them without throwing in how wrong they were and how much of a sinner they were. As a kid, I loved to hear about other religions and never thought about denying my God. If Christians are ignorant, I guess I am the black sheep of the faith.
Over the years working with people that hated Christians and called them stupid, I became very silent about my faith. I would agree on the points that I agreed with, but remained silent when a topic was raised on something that hurt my faith. In some way, I guess you could say, I believed them at some point and thought that Christians, including myself, were stupid people who only wanted to claim to save people.
It was not until a local man stood outside our office one day with a sign that read in bold red letters: God will send sinners to Hell! He spoke with a loud voice saying that all college students are going to Hell for sexual encounters and drinking all the time. He would yell at the people who spoke out against him and would say that the Devil was controlling their minds.
I never wanted to be associated to a radical like him, because to me, I live the portions of the Bible that say: "Love thy neighbor."
The young man that I mentioned, started to get very angry about the picket man. He printed out twenty pages of research on why Christianity was ignorant and scientific reason on why God did not exist. He took the pages and ran out to this "Holy man."
I stood outside, smoking my cigarette and watched in horror as my friend/co-worker started yelling in the man's face and spouting out everything printed out. The only way I could describe how my friend acted that day is those demon possession movies where the person is going into convulsions and yelling in strange tongues. If he vomited pea soup, I wouldn't have been surprised.
As I stood there, watching the Holy battle rage on, I noticed something. The man with the sign read from the Bible and quoted scripture, calling it truth. My friend read from his printed pages and called it truth. I didn't realize it until today that both were doing the exact same thing. They were both reading from something that someone else wrote and called it truth. They both were fighting about something that someone else said. None of them were thinking for themselves, but they acted as though both had done something to the other for personal revenge.
If I remember anything about the Bible, it is this, God is wrathful yes, but he is also loving. Your parent/guardian can either punish you or hug you. Most of God's punishment was before Christ came to pay for our sins. Now God can love us all the time because we do not have to pay for our sins. It is our get out of jail free card.
I often wonder if any of us know what we are talking about. We talk about war because it makes sense, but does it really? We talk about our religion and say it is truth, but is it really? By the end of the day it comes down to what you think and believe. I believe God is a loving god and wants us all to love one another. I guess you can call me the Christian Hippie. He doesn't hate us, so why do we hate each other?
I have come to realize that my friend's fight wasn't with me or the man with the sign, but with his heavenly father. The man with the sign's should have realized that God is a creator of love and he should follow that example.
Safe to say, after that day, the authorities escorted the man off the campus and he was never seen again. My friend claimed he won that day with truth, but somehow I felt like the only thing he won that day was another spot in the line waiting to love God.
--Night
Saturday, September 14, 2013
9/13/2013
A Home Without Walls
Entry #4
9/13/2013
10:39 P.M
By: Ray (The Night Author) Homan
Sadly, I haven't taken any pictures of our surroundings and events that have been happening, but I do plan to take some soon.
I try to refrain from writing about God or faith in my posts. I guess I fear that I would turn eyes away from our blog if I do, but those two topics seem to be key in our survival. He has been moving in our family and I rejoice in the fact he has been.
Most would look at our situation and say, "Don't you hate him for putting you here? Why do you still pray to him?" Funny how those same questions pop up in the book of Job in the Bible. I am not saying that we are expecting God to grace us with gifts at the end of this journey, but I am saying that there are some strong similarities between his story and our's.
Whether you are a believer or not, you do have to agree that you must find a belief structure to survive a homeless life without going insane. There are times, when I lift my hands to God, when I think I have lost it. Yet, there is a sense of calm in our family and in my personal life. I feel stronger, wiser and calmer.
When I was child up to my early twenties, I assumed that believing in God was just something you do. I thought that it was just a phase that everyone goes through. Like that goth stage or that grundgy stage, I thought that believing in God was just something that everyone goes through. I realize more than ever that God isn't a phase or just something to believe in. God is my Abba, my father and my all. Strange how much my belief in God has changed in a week's time and he isn't finished changing me.
Today is Friday 13th, something that all superstitious people freak out about. Personally, I didn't put much stock in it. The best part about living a homeless life without any money is that you don't fear bad luck as much as you did in the past.
Sara keeps joking that Jason will pop out at some point to cut off our heads.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not regret coming out here to change my inner being. If anything, disconnecting from the internet, Facebook and television, you get a lesson everyday on what type of person you are. Sometimes you don't like what you see, but it is at the surface at least and you have the chance to change it. I learned, today, that my inner demons are clawing and scratching within my head because I am trying to clean them out. They are trying to survive and I personally want them gone. It feels good to face the person you are and see what you can become. All you have to do is sweat it out in the Texas heat in a tent.
Mom received a call from Express today and was scheduled for an interview this Tuesday. I pray it all goes well for her. Charlie received her first job today and is going to start training Monday morning. I also pray for Charlie since this will be her first job without any of us helping her. In the past, Charlie worked jobs with myself and Sara; we protected her from the mean customers out there and helped her to understand what the boss wanted. Now, Charlie has to face all of this on her own and I pray that things go well for her.
--Night
Entry #4
9/13/2013
10:39 P.M
By: Ray (The Night Author) Homan
Sadly, I haven't taken any pictures of our surroundings and events that have been happening, but I do plan to take some soon.
I try to refrain from writing about God or faith in my posts. I guess I fear that I would turn eyes away from our blog if I do, but those two topics seem to be key in our survival. He has been moving in our family and I rejoice in the fact he has been.
Most would look at our situation and say, "Don't you hate him for putting you here? Why do you still pray to him?" Funny how those same questions pop up in the book of Job in the Bible. I am not saying that we are expecting God to grace us with gifts at the end of this journey, but I am saying that there are some strong similarities between his story and our's.
Whether you are a believer or not, you do have to agree that you must find a belief structure to survive a homeless life without going insane. There are times, when I lift my hands to God, when I think I have lost it. Yet, there is a sense of calm in our family and in my personal life. I feel stronger, wiser and calmer.
When I was child up to my early twenties, I assumed that believing in God was just something you do. I thought that it was just a phase that everyone goes through. Like that goth stage or that grundgy stage, I thought that believing in God was just something that everyone goes through. I realize more than ever that God isn't a phase or just something to believe in. God is my Abba, my father and my all. Strange how much my belief in God has changed in a week's time and he isn't finished changing me.
Today is Friday 13th, something that all superstitious people freak out about. Personally, I didn't put much stock in it. The best part about living a homeless life without any money is that you don't fear bad luck as much as you did in the past.
Sara keeps joking that Jason will pop out at some point to cut off our heads.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not regret coming out here to change my inner being. If anything, disconnecting from the internet, Facebook and television, you get a lesson everyday on what type of person you are. Sometimes you don't like what you see, but it is at the surface at least and you have the chance to change it. I learned, today, that my inner demons are clawing and scratching within my head because I am trying to clean them out. They are trying to survive and I personally want them gone. It feels good to face the person you are and see what you can become. All you have to do is sweat it out in the Texas heat in a tent.
Mom received a call from Express today and was scheduled for an interview this Tuesday. I pray it all goes well for her. Charlie received her first job today and is going to start training Monday morning. I also pray for Charlie since this will be her first job without any of us helping her. In the past, Charlie worked jobs with myself and Sara; we protected her from the mean customers out there and helped her to understand what the boss wanted. Now, Charlie has to face all of this on her own and I pray that things go well for her.
--Night
Friday, September 13, 2013
9/12/2013
A Home Without Walls
Entry #3
9/12/2013
9:06 P.M
By : Ray (The Night Author) Homan
Today another miricle happened, Mom received an interview for a job. Because of her history as a book-keeper, she relies on jobs through the staffing company Express.
Her current contact, Adam, works in Express and aids her to receive jobs. Adam here lately has been somewhat a slacker, just picture me sounding like that bald dude from Back to the Future. However, she had contact with a person named Faith. I am uncertain if the others catch that irony, but I do. Anyway, Faith was going to check with Adam to get a copy of Mom's resume, but as I mentioned Adam is a slacker, so he did not have a copy of one. So, Mom sped down through Tyler this morning to get to Faith as soon as possible with a resume. Charlie and I held onto whatever we could in the truck as she raced to the office. There were times that I had to close my eyes to pray for God to keep us safe as she nearly reared a truck in front of us!
I plan to extend my lessons out here by disconnecting myself from Facebook and Twitter, which I had been keeping up with posts here and there on my phone. I also will be limiting down the use of my electronic cigarette to early mornings and night. The reason why I am limiting myself is because the heat messes with the coils in my Pro Tank 2 and I go through the little coils too quickly and the vapor tastes weird. So, removing myself from Facebook and Twitter along with limiting down my favorite e-cig, you can imagine how I am going to be twisted up by the end of the day.
However, I do look at this as a lesson plan from God. I have been suffering from personal issues at the moment, most I do not care to write about because they are too damn silly to discuss, but I felt a tug at my heart to limit myself off of nicotine and remove myself from the social network. I don't know what he is going to do with me, but I feel he is going to mold me into something new. I just hope he keeps the Night Author side of me.
Shorty (Sara) is losing her mind, she said today; at her job, there is a woman that plays country music every hour on the hour. "I hate country," she said at our soup dinner tonight, "it is so damn depressing that it makes me sick." What I find funny is that back when she was a child, Shorty loved country music and in fact had country life flowing through her veins. Funny how everything changes as you get older.
There is a threat that we might not make it next week, but with the new jobs coming in, positivity is flowing through the camp. I am excited about this because when we first were evicted, I honestly thought that Mom and Charlie were going to lose their minds.
I am grateful to God for the chances he is giving us.
--Night
Entry #3
9/12/2013
9:06 P.M
By : Ray (The Night Author) Homan
Today another miricle happened, Mom received an interview for a job. Because of her history as a book-keeper, she relies on jobs through the staffing company Express.
Her current contact, Adam, works in Express and aids her to receive jobs. Adam here lately has been somewhat a slacker, just picture me sounding like that bald dude from Back to the Future. However, she had contact with a person named Faith. I am uncertain if the others catch that irony, but I do. Anyway, Faith was going to check with Adam to get a copy of Mom's resume, but as I mentioned Adam is a slacker, so he did not have a copy of one. So, Mom sped down through Tyler this morning to get to Faith as soon as possible with a resume. Charlie and I held onto whatever we could in the truck as she raced to the office. There were times that I had to close my eyes to pray for God to keep us safe as she nearly reared a truck in front of us!
I plan to extend my lessons out here by disconnecting myself from Facebook and Twitter, which I had been keeping up with posts here and there on my phone. I also will be limiting down the use of my electronic cigarette to early mornings and night. The reason why I am limiting myself is because the heat messes with the coils in my Pro Tank 2 and I go through the little coils too quickly and the vapor tastes weird. So, removing myself from Facebook and Twitter along with limiting down my favorite e-cig, you can imagine how I am going to be twisted up by the end of the day.
However, I do look at this as a lesson plan from God. I have been suffering from personal issues at the moment, most I do not care to write about because they are too damn silly to discuss, but I felt a tug at my heart to limit myself off of nicotine and remove myself from the social network. I don't know what he is going to do with me, but I feel he is going to mold me into something new. I just hope he keeps the Night Author side of me.
Shorty (Sara) is losing her mind, she said today; at her job, there is a woman that plays country music every hour on the hour. "I hate country," she said at our soup dinner tonight, "it is so damn depressing that it makes me sick." What I find funny is that back when she was a child, Shorty loved country music and in fact had country life flowing through her veins. Funny how everything changes as you get older.
There is a threat that we might not make it next week, but with the new jobs coming in, positivity is flowing through the camp. I am excited about this because when we first were evicted, I honestly thought that Mom and Charlie were going to lose their minds.
I am grateful to God for the chances he is giving us.
--Night
Thursday, September 12, 2013
9/11/2013
A Home Without Walls
Entry #2
9/11/2013
10:36 P.M
By : Ray (The Night Author) Homan
New mircles happen everyday, we just do not see them.
Charlie received her first job today. It is her first job without any help from any one of us (Mom, Sara, myself). There is excitement and fear in her eyes, which makes me proud and fearful for her. However, no matter what happens, I know she will do very well.
The job search still continues for Mom and I.
Charlie, Sara and myself went hiking on the trail that I took yesterday. I guess we ended up talking too much because we ended up on the other side of the trail that I haven't seen before. I need better photos of the area we are living in, but the ones I took for today will have to do.
Mom has always had trouble cutting the metaphoric "strings" from her children. With my new hyper nature, she is being tested greatly out here. She always calls me when I am on a trail, which is sometimes troublesome when I am going up hill. I guess I need to pull out my blue tooth when I go on my trail walking.
There is a sort of peace not knowing what is going to happen tomorrow. Most of it stems from faith, but the other portion is the feeling of not giving a damn what we should do for the rest of our lives. I love the idea of dealing with things as they happen. In the past, I was the type of person that would plan thirty years ahead and when my plans did not work out I would through a huge fit, slam my fist into a wall and call out doomsday whenever I could. Yet, out here, I can only look into the present because there is no telling what the future holds.
--Night
Entry #2
9/11/2013
10:36 P.M
By : Ray (The Night Author) Homan
New mircles happen everyday, we just do not see them.
Charlie received her first job today. It is her first job without any help from any one of us (Mom, Sara, myself). There is excitement and fear in her eyes, which makes me proud and fearful for her. However, no matter what happens, I know she will do very well.
The job search still continues for Mom and I.
Charlie, Sara and myself went hiking on the trail that I took yesterday. I guess we ended up talking too much because we ended up on the other side of the trail that I haven't seen before. I need better photos of the area we are living in, but the ones I took for today will have to do.
Mom has always had trouble cutting the metaphoric "strings" from her children. With my new hyper nature, she is being tested greatly out here. She always calls me when I am on a trail, which is sometimes troublesome when I am going up hill. I guess I need to pull out my blue tooth when I go on my trail walking.
There is a sort of peace not knowing what is going to happen tomorrow. Most of it stems from faith, but the other portion is the feeling of not giving a damn what we should do for the rest of our lives. I love the idea of dealing with things as they happen. In the past, I was the type of person that would plan thirty years ahead and when my plans did not work out I would through a huge fit, slam my fist into a wall and call out doomsday whenever I could. Yet, out here, I can only look into the present because there is no telling what the future holds.
--Night
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