Since we have been back at the campsite, new developments have happened since my last entry. I was going to post some entries in the past, but things had changed from hour to hour.
First thing was, I remember posting about Jody, my ex-step-father appearing to my mother and sister at the Church Under the Bridge. My last post was from a writer whose mind was in a state of anger and depression; the reason why I bring this state of mind up is because I do not want it understood that I was upset about Jody entering our lives again. I was unbiased about the situation, however I was slightly angered by the idea of him not respecting our boundries ... If we have any anymore.
In a mere few days since Jody's surprise visit, things started to unwravel between us four. I started to reach out to some past friends on Facebook for comfort; Charlie started to shut down; Mom was distracted by Jody's antics and Sara had taken the offer to stay with a co-worker in Jacksonville until her employment ends at the end of this month. To top things off, I had slammed head first into a terrible sinus infection, which caused my two back molars on the left side of my head to throb with such intensity, I missed one night's sleep and nearly over dosed on medication. Horrible.
I guess Satan was really working on us this weekend.
It appeared that Jody was going to be in our fifth wheel during this journey, but as truth came out and the situation revealed its true nature, he ended up back at his home. With regard to Jody's personal life, I'd rather not explain as to why he went home. Even though we believe that there is a big lesson to what we learned from Jody's apperance, for the sake of others that are not involved in our lives, I will remain silent about the matter. To safely put it, Jody links us to other people and those others are not involved in our lives anymore, but these others are in fact heavily involved in Jody's life. It came down for him to make a decision and in some way, we forced the right one.
By the time my sinus infection was gone, Mother had the task of facing her new job at Hobby Lobby. Granted, she loves enteracting with customers in the fabric department, but she is not used to the hands on type of work. Most of her past experience has been in accounting or office work, so this would be the first time in a long time that she has entered the retail world. So far, a lot of back aches, sore feet and hurting shoulders. Yet, she enters it daily with a smile. Her hours are very confusing, mainly require her to be there everyday, but all in all, she enjoys it.
Sara faces a challenge everyday staying with her co-worker/friend in Jacksonville. Every night, she sleeps in a bed, hides under shelter and watches television. Her revelation was that she did not see the need to have these things anymore. It was as though she could not enjoy the luxuries that she once had. To add, Sara is in constant worry about us out at the campsite. I pray for her because I cannot always be there to comfort her.
Charlie struggles with her job. She shared with us that she constantly has flashback memories of our old house at Athens before the fire and the rental place in Tyler. As I spoke to her about this, we came to the conclusion that there is a good chance Charlie is looking for a safe place to "Explode."
I love Charlie with all my heart, but like I and Mother, Charlie hordes emotion and bottles it up. This habit happens even with the smallest of troubles we face as a family, so you can imagine how much emotion she is bottling up out here in the woods, homeless and without too much money to pay our debts. Also, Charlie has the daily trouble of her new job at Hastings. This is a perfect cocktail of rage and emotion shook up in a bottle just waiting to explode. She hasn't already exploded about this situation, but what does sooth her fear that she will is our constant praise and assurance that we will love her no matter what.
I am a little embarassed to admit that I did reach out on Facebook to a young woman, whom I have had feelings for a long time. How we met was at work, but I did not ask her out when that first meeting occured. She was dating someone at the time and I was her boss, two things that go against my rule of flirting. Even though I didn't know this young woman very well, I did want to spend more time with her outside of the lab. She was just so nice and sweet, with a love of literature that I shared. Yet, I did program my mind to understand that I should only care for her as a friend at the lab and no more. Even though I reminded myself there was nothing between us, I felt this urge to protect her and keep her safe, something that I never had for someone other than my mother and two sisters.
With Jody down and the possibility of he and Mom be-friending each other once more, I decided to pursue other interests with this young woman. Using the power of the social network known as Facebook, I sent the woman a message and waited. It was merely just an invite to watch a new horror movie that came out, again, a love of horror movies is an interest we share.
Before the invite, she and I were talking about new things, such as how the lab was going and how my new job was working out. I must remind my readers that none of my personal past friends know of my current situation. True, I have shared a link to this blog on Facebook, but other than the "likes" that I receive, there are no responses or comments left about it. Other than the links that I send out about my personal site and this blog, I remain silent about my situation. It is my belief that the truth is right under everyones nose, you just have to look down and search. So, she and I only spoke of other things than what I am doing now.
My invite was inquiring about last Friday, at that time three days away. I thought that would be enough time for her to look over her schedule and see. Even though I believe it would have been kind to respond with, "Um, let me check and get back to you." Or, "No thank you." Yet, I checked my Facebook every night to see what she would say. I didn't hang on the edge of my seat during that time, because I felt that either way, I would respond with only kindness.
Secretly, down in my heart, a passion was brewing; a very dangerous passion. I was given visions of romantic walks with this young woman, holding hands and laughing. I thought about the woods that I lived in and thought of how everyday I spent with her would be romantic just spending time in nature.
I should have known that all of those visions were traps, but I left my feelings to the Lord. He knew better what to do with them than I would.
Friday came and I recieved no answer.
My blood boiled and those visions turned into I standing in a room filled with people pointing fingers at me and laughing. Horrible nightmares, if you ask me. Finally, as though my prayers had been answered, she answered back at three in the after noon:
"Sorry it took so long to get back to you. Sorry, not this weekend."
I responded quickly:
"Totally cool. Have a great weekend."
She came back with:
"You too!"
That was it. Another rejection from some random girl I had a serious crush on. I must point out that I have never been the "Ladies Man." I have never been in love. Granted I have been a big brother to most women, but the few that I have asked out only rejected me because I was "Too sweet."
Over the years, I have, had, developed an attituded about love. I hated those that swam in the passion petal pool and wished everyday that I could destroy the very fabric of the damn feeling. Yet, I was new now and I did not partake in hatred. I had to bounce back from the rejection and not hate myself or others. It was struggle to do so.
The stronger I became, the louder the voices in my head became. I eventually started to snap at my family and felt the heavy bolder of depression on my chest. In desperation, I turned to the only answer I could find: The word.
God's word is more than just boring ramblings you read at church. It isn't a paper weight and it isn't a fashion piece. It is a book, and books are designed to expand your knowledge. It is created to help you to understand what God needs you to know.
I prayed for the right scripture and he turned my eyes to Song of Solomon. I had once heard that Songs was a love poem between Solomon and his bride, but I had never read it before. Questions popped up in my mind while reading this emotional book. "Why would you tell me to read this?" Yet, the only answer I gained was, "Because you will understand the feelings between the two lovers."
Songs is a very passionate book about love, romance and sex. Its very core is perfection and walks side by side on how I feel I would react to the woman I fall in love with. Yet, as I read its words, I stumbled upon a phrase from SHE in the book: "... Do not stir or awaken love until it pleases." That phrase stuck in my mind after I read the book and I pondered over its meaning. Like a bolt of lightening, I was struck with the very idea of the meaning: "Do not force love, because love pleases God."
In a world filled with the very idea that love is a system of perfumes, nice bodies and perfect meeting places, it is hard to understand what love truly is. For the Master Teacher, love is His to weild and his to give. There for, if love between two lovers is not a system, then love is a gift sent by God at the right time for the right people. It was then that I realized that the love that I was looking for isn't found in a flirt or a wink, then to only say goodbye. The love that I want is intense with passion and strength. I need someone that I can rely on and share moments with and she the same. How can I jump from woman to woman every night just to find the "special person?" How can someone like I, a man with strong passion in his heart, treat love as a mere valentines day at elementry school?
I was also struck with this idea as well, which sort of explains my insane ramble above: If we willed love, then we can will ourselves into existance, which is something we know we did not do. In theory, the idea of controlling love is ideal, but when you actually think of it, the best relationships happened when no one was trying. They happened when they let go of the constant fear of the "romantic algorithim" and just let it happen.
So many times I have heard, "It is Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." Horrible phrase to repeat; it just sounds stupid to me. Yet, when I thought of this phrase at some point in this week, I thought of something else: "It is Adam and Eve, not Adam and Gwen, or Stacey, or Lisa, or ..." You see the point? "It is Adam and Eve, not Bob and Eve, or Jason and Eve ..." It is Adam and Eve; a relationship designed by God himself. If you read over Genesis again, you will realize that Adam did not pray to God for a companion, God saw it fit to create a companion for Adam because the man was lonely. It was all in God's time.
This might not be a revelation for you, but this was one for me. I have spent many years, since fifteen, struggling with being lonely. Yet, this answer came to be and lifted all those years of searching for an answer straight off my chest!
I pray for that young woman I asked out, I truly hope she finds someone to spend time with. As for me, I deleted my Facebook account and started a Night Author page instead. I have removed my past self entirely and look forward to the future. I don't know what lies ahead, but I plan to help my family get through their troubles and I know they will help me.
As I posted before, I pray for you dear reader in any trouble you have been having at the moment. I do hope that what I am writing is inspiring you to continue onward. The journey, the evolution revolution is not at the end. Pray for my family, pray that Charlie continues to stay strong; pray that my Mother continues with happiness; pray that my sister Sara will gain a stronger revelation through her stay with the good people at Jacksonville.
--Night
No comments:
Post a Comment