Even though I have been renewed in my faith and my spirit grows stronger, I run low on energy. I grow weary of the people around me and I know that tired feeling will only lead me down into the path of the boundless rage I felt before.
Mother and Charlie feel the same. They agree that there is need to return back into the woods away from the prying eyes and the constant questions. We need a place of rest in the Lord to gain strength to face the inner and outward demons of this world.
I had grown too tired of facing people and asked for a leave of abscence from our church routine. Mother and Sara agreed to let me go to the park to select our new home for the week. They went ahead of me to visit the church and Charlie went to work at Hastings for the day.
My stomach twisted; it had not been the same since yesterday. I am uncertain if it is an ulcer or something that I gained througout this week, but I feel sick. Yet, I pushed onward to gain a spot in this wooden home. As I drove into the park's H.Q, I received a call on my cell. It was Jody.
The message that he left on my phone made it very clear that he was in our area and that he was wanting to visit us at the church. I paniced and told Sara and Mom about Jody arriving to make a surprise visit. I feared that Mom could not handle his constant questions and pushing, but I also knew there was little I could do. I had warned him not to visit us because we all knew Jody, out of all people, would not be able to accept this. Although it is a kind gesture for him to worry about us, it becomes very tiresome to tell him to stay away and to keep him silent.
As I had mentioned, I was growing tired. My rage was getting the best of me as I continued the battle in my mind and heart. If Jody called upon us and suprised us early on in the week, I might have been strong enough to handle him. However, since I am weak and fear the old self would return, I knew that I was not in the best of forms to speak with him.
Once at the park, I turned to my Bible and prayed for strength. The book that I was told to read was Ecclesiastes, I read chapter one until chapter four. The author was named The Preacher and he spoke of the vanity that man had. No matter what the man did or said on the behalf of wisedom and God, it was all vanity. At first, I wasn't sure how to take this scripture reading and I asked God for a better understanding. After my prayer, I sat at the park bench and stared out over the lake. My brain buzzed with a theory and hope that I had stumbled onto what God wanted me to learn.
What I had learned: Even holy wise men can do things in the name sake of vanity without knowing it. I felt it kind to feel that I was in the category of wise men, since the scripture spoke of things that I had thought of in my youth. However, I understood why I was tired and lost my energy. Even though I was wise and I believed that my heart was for the Lord; my mouth spoke only about God and my mind thought on his will. Yet, this was still about me. I forgot that this was a journey into the world to understand what God wanted for our lives. I forgot that there are more in this world that need to hear what God wants. I forgot that there were three others that were going through the same thing that I was going through. I was living in the mind set of vanity and I was loosing energy because I cared only for myself and thought only on my own journey.
In my youth, I have been in the spotlight too many times. I would stand out when things grew troublesome to become the jester; when times called for a preacher, I opened my mouth and let out what I thought about. In this journey Without Walls, I have done the same things and made it all about myself. This started out a journey for God, but then I started to fall into the pit of vanity like most holy men and women. I had made myself into my own personal idol.
Is there a way to break that? There is, but it is a daily chore. To constantly pray on his will and realize that you are not in control. You must realize that you are not the one in the spotlight. There is no spotlight, only a bright light hanging over us. We are all on God's radar and none of us are single in his will. Like sentences on a page, we connect to make one coherent story, point, poem and song. Without the other sentences, we cannot thrive.
I know that I need a chance to be alone, but I will not always be alone. I cannot just run away from all around me to retreat into the woods, into A Home Without Walls. I know there will be people trying to call and making surprise cameos in my story, but I cannot let that effect what I am doing. If they want to be a part of this world, this journey that I am in, then they will have to conduct in what I am doing as well as I should keep my mouth shut to listen to them.
I don't know who you are, dear reader. We have never met and I do not know your name. However, every night I want to say a little prayer for you. I don't know what trouble you face and I don't know what harm you are going through. This journal I started on blogger is not only to tell you what is happening to I and my family, but to reach out to you and let you know that you are not alone. No one is alone in this world. You may think so because of the horrible vanity you wear on your shoulders, but I pray for you to let down that weight and to allow others near you. Think of others as well as yourself. All the things we do might be for vanity, but as long as we do not let it harm us, we can turn to the Lord for strength to beat it.
As for Jody, I do hope he can enter this with an open mind. What he is about to uncover might be a challenge for us. He is going to push us out; he wants to "save" us from this pit. He doesn't realize that this was a choice to grow closer to God. He isn't going to like our answer when he asks: "Will you let me take you guys out of this?"
I also know that it is a test on our will. We have to remember that this isn't a surprise from Jody, but God's will.
--Night
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