There is a moment of laughter, a moment of tears and a moment of fear, but either way, if you are in tune to Abba (God), then you realize that there is a comfort in your current situation. As Christians, we believe that once you accept God into your life, everything becomes perfect. Naturally, it isn't. There are going to be trials and victory throughout your life. Like in a classroom, you are going to excell in some courses but in others you struggle, (because most of us struggle with math) and you fail a few tests before realizing you need a tutor for extra help. You need someone that understands the math problem. So, because we realize life is not going to be "perfect" we design our lives to be "perfect" and lie about what is really happening in us. We hide the tears and the fear; we hide the anger and depression; we hide what we truly feel.
Mother told me this experience she had one morning, one of the coldest mornings we have had living in a home without walls:
One morning she awoke, waking up at her usual biological alarm clock set to six a.m. During this time, we could not afford sleeping in the campsite, so we were out in our vehicles in the parking lot. And, as part of her daily routine, Mom woke to read some scripture and had a time for prayer before delighting herself in her personal pool of memories.
On this particular morning, Mom's memories travled back to her ex-husband, my biological father, Josh (Alias) and my aunt Lisa (Alias). Fantasies fluttered in her mind of Josh, now married and making good money, living in a warm house and sleeping soundly. She thought of her sister Lisa and how she was sleeping with food in her stomach and comfort surrounding her home. To give a little excerpt about these two and how they have effected my mother's life, betrayal, lies and harsh judgement in the form of hurtful words exist between my mother and these two. These two close individuals had done and said things that hurt my family.
I do want to take a moment to give both Josh and Lisa credit that there are two sides to the story and I am certain they hold different feelings towards my family, but again I would have to say that I can only understand my side of the story and it will be the version I write. However, I will refrain from that explaination and leave the history in the past.
My mother began to start tear up. "Why me?" She asked God. "Why did I deserve this?" She turned to see my younger sister, Charlie, sleeping next to her in the passenger side of the small car, covered in a thick blanket. Her heart felt heavy and sad, comparing her life to those that have hurt her.
God reached out and touched her heart. His gentle words gave her comfort. "It's okay ... You can cry. I know you know that everything will be alright. I know that you trust me. Let it out, but know that I am here."
Sad, happy, angry, scared and even depressed, God realizes we are in need to expose our emotions. In truth we can hide our troubles and thoughts from our human bretheren, but not from the creator who knows the hearts and minds of every man on earth.
Even though I could go on and on about how much God knows about us, let me put it into an example:
When a child falls onto the ground, right after a nasty stumble, the child's eyes fill with liquid fear and pain. The ideal parent, granted not one of the parents today, would run out, kneel down to wrap their arms around the child and inspect them. If you would imagine this in your mind, what words would you think parent would say? I hear the words, "What happened? Where does it hurt?"
Can the child answer in a solid voice without blubbering up and crying? No. The child sobs and tries to point out where is hurts. Perhaps the parent had seen where the child had fallen and there is comfort to know that there is no serious damage, however the parent automaticaly fears and inspects the child, asking what happened? Where does it hurt.
You stumble, you fall, you scrape your knee, God hugs you and asks what happened? Where does it hurt? He then proceeds to do what the ideal parent does; he comforts you and tells you not to cry.
Many would take what I have just written and say, "But God is in control of everything. If he is in control of everything, why does he kill, harm or make life hard on us all? I guess God just wants us to look to him after what he does to us."
Consider the rest of my mother's experience:
The next morning, my mother awoke to get dressed in the fast food diner's restroom a few blocks away. After a good "spit-bath," Mom drove to work on that cold morning. As she stopped at a red light, she noticed the heavy frozen dew on the lawn in front of an office; like green crystals growing out of the ground.
"I was apart of that. I experienced what that dew. I felt the cold the night before." She told me. "I was apart of nature. If I wasn't going through what we are going through now, I wouldn't have experience all the great things that God has shown me. This dew had fallen last night and, if I was in a warm house, I wouldn't have noticed it. I would have looked at it as nothing important. But, I saw it ... Like crystals growing."
Plugged into the social media, constant worrying about keeping appearances and wishing for material goods, we tend to miss the wonderful things that happen around us. We miss the awesome formations the clouds make or the crystal dew that lands on the grass. Just like water dew gathering on the blades of grass and freezing due to the temperature, our emotions are normal. It is okay to lean into God's shoulder and let it all out. It's okay to tell him that we feel broken or wronged. It's okay to feel sad, just as it is okay to feel happy or joyous.
Sometimes the struggle we encounter forces us to seek out a tutor to help us understand that we over analyze the situation. All we need is a different perspective.
--Night
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Monday, October 21, 2013
10/21/2013
Even though I am the unoffical biographer of this A Home Without Walls journey, I come to a stand still when I finally have a chance to sit down to write an entry. There are moments where my mind goes blank and I cannot think upon the things that we have learned as a collective. In many ways, that is a good and bad thing. Good: Abba (God) is teaching us lessons everyday and teaching us in different ways to our own person. Bad: I cannot not write a full post without debating on what the subject matter should be about.
However, these last few weeks had brought up one particular subject that I would care to share on this post, after I back track through the events in the week.
There is not much to report about our events, mainly because it has been about work. Mom, Charlie, Sara and myself have been working non-stop. Because three of us work in retail, with Thanksgiving on the way and Black Friday around the corner, the retail world has been buzzing like busy bees. Charlie herself has been giving an interview with the company that I currently work for. I know she would love working for this retail as much as I have.
Mother has met a struggle in her own personal work life at the moment. She has decided to embark into a journey back to her previous proffession which was accounting. She, however, plans to keep both this job and the other. I understand where she is coming from, since I too will be embarking on a full time and part time job juggling pretty soon.
It is amazing to me, as I write this entry, how dark the times were when we first left our home with walls. The three out of four of us had no job to speak of and the other was only making minimum wage. Even at that time, we smiled and felt the joy of the Lord in our hearts. We knew fully well that he was going to care for us no matter what. If we fast forward to the present 21st of October, we would see three individuals with a full time job and a part time job as well. Truly amazing how God works. He has given us six jobs between us three.
During this time of soul searching, Sara has stepped forward with her own dream she would like to see come into reality. In the coming year, she plans to attend school for Ranch Management. She has always had a love for horse and on her spare time she has conducted a lot of research into them. Realizing this dream is a large step for Sara, since she has always had a battle in her mind in what she should be doing in her job life. I pray this goes well for her.
One of the matters that we all faced this weeks has been the love of items. Little did we know, even living in the woods and out of cars, that we had given into the love of gathering items like most humans do. Yet, being the presence of God himself, we came to an understanding of the damned love when the subject was brought up about my coat.
The story about the coat is simple: since I was fifteen, I've had this long coat that I loved dearly. Every tear, rip or stain, I took care of myself. I have made so many alterations to this coat that custom fit me personally. So, when the weather changed and I was in need of a warm coat, I thought of grabbing my lost Priest (nickname of the coat) from the storage room. I searched and found many of my other dearly loved coats, but no Priest.
On the day I searched for the lost coat, I became enraged at the failed attempt to find it. I was so enraged, in fact, I nearly fell into a car wreck on my way home from the storage room. As I pulled over to the side to catch my breath, I prayed to Abba for guidance. A sudden realization came to mind: Why am I so worried about getting one coat, when I have plenty to keep me warm?
I shared my revalation with my family and they too shared the same trouble. Little did we know that we had traveled back to our past love of items that it was beginning to disturb the peace we withheld in our hearts. We may not have coveted others like we did so many times in the past, but we wanted to relish in the things we already had without thanking God for the comfort of them and not placing him higher than those things. Gaining these items had become a goal higher than the purpose that God brought us out here to do.
So, why do we search for meaningless items, when we have something of use? Why should we get "bent out of shape" when God has already given us what we need? When you look around your home, or tent, do you not realize the things you have are the things you need? You do not need to search for items that only suit, or custom, fit your wants and needs. God has already stepped in before hand and gave you something that will comfort you. In my case, he had already sent plenty of warm jackets for me this fall; so why should I grow angry and cause a wreck to get what I want?
In some way, the only answer is this: We are bratty children that desire what we want then and there. Our desires might change from day to day, but when we desire it, we actually believe that it will be so amazing and our lives will be forever perfect.
While in search for their own hoodies and coats this past Sunday, Mom and Sara stumbled on my beloved Priest. I praised God and thanked him for both that jacket and the others he sent just for me.
As more jobs enter our lives, the threat of spending more money than we should pay our debts comes into reality. We have found that we are eating out more and I know I have been spending more on coffee than I should.
I have taken it upon myself to keep an inventory on the food and disposable items that we contain. I plan to use this inventory as a weapon against that threat. We need to go back to basics with our income and pay only our debt after we gain what we really need. For example: Charlie and I plan to turn to instant coffee out at the camp site to avoid getting coffee from the McDs down the highway. Even though the small coffees there are only a dollar, seven dollars a week will add up quickly. With only a can of instant coffee, plus sugar and creamer, we will only be spending three dollars every week.
Our first struggle was to face the wild with no money, now we face the wild with money. To be honest, the first one was far easier than the other. Yet, as we pray to Abba (God) for guidence, I know that we will learn a greater lesson: God will always provide even when you think that you have more money to provide for yourself.
--Night
However, these last few weeks had brought up one particular subject that I would care to share on this post, after I back track through the events in the week.
There is not much to report about our events, mainly because it has been about work. Mom, Charlie, Sara and myself have been working non-stop. Because three of us work in retail, with Thanksgiving on the way and Black Friday around the corner, the retail world has been buzzing like busy bees. Charlie herself has been giving an interview with the company that I currently work for. I know she would love working for this retail as much as I have.
Mother has met a struggle in her own personal work life at the moment. She has decided to embark into a journey back to her previous proffession which was accounting. She, however, plans to keep both this job and the other. I understand where she is coming from, since I too will be embarking on a full time and part time job juggling pretty soon.
It is amazing to me, as I write this entry, how dark the times were when we first left our home with walls. The three out of four of us had no job to speak of and the other was only making minimum wage. Even at that time, we smiled and felt the joy of the Lord in our hearts. We knew fully well that he was going to care for us no matter what. If we fast forward to the present 21st of October, we would see three individuals with a full time job and a part time job as well. Truly amazing how God works. He has given us six jobs between us three.
During this time of soul searching, Sara has stepped forward with her own dream she would like to see come into reality. In the coming year, she plans to attend school for Ranch Management. She has always had a love for horse and on her spare time she has conducted a lot of research into them. Realizing this dream is a large step for Sara, since she has always had a battle in her mind in what she should be doing in her job life. I pray this goes well for her.
One of the matters that we all faced this weeks has been the love of items. Little did we know, even living in the woods and out of cars, that we had given into the love of gathering items like most humans do. Yet, being the presence of God himself, we came to an understanding of the damned love when the subject was brought up about my coat.
The story about the coat is simple: since I was fifteen, I've had this long coat that I loved dearly. Every tear, rip or stain, I took care of myself. I have made so many alterations to this coat that custom fit me personally. So, when the weather changed and I was in need of a warm coat, I thought of grabbing my lost Priest (nickname of the coat) from the storage room. I searched and found many of my other dearly loved coats, but no Priest.
On the day I searched for the lost coat, I became enraged at the failed attempt to find it. I was so enraged, in fact, I nearly fell into a car wreck on my way home from the storage room. As I pulled over to the side to catch my breath, I prayed to Abba for guidance. A sudden realization came to mind: Why am I so worried about getting one coat, when I have plenty to keep me warm?
I shared my revalation with my family and they too shared the same trouble. Little did we know that we had traveled back to our past love of items that it was beginning to disturb the peace we withheld in our hearts. We may not have coveted others like we did so many times in the past, but we wanted to relish in the things we already had without thanking God for the comfort of them and not placing him higher than those things. Gaining these items had become a goal higher than the purpose that God brought us out here to do.
So, why do we search for meaningless items, when we have something of use? Why should we get "bent out of shape" when God has already given us what we need? When you look around your home, or tent, do you not realize the things you have are the things you need? You do not need to search for items that only suit, or custom, fit your wants and needs. God has already stepped in before hand and gave you something that will comfort you. In my case, he had already sent plenty of warm jackets for me this fall; so why should I grow angry and cause a wreck to get what I want?
In some way, the only answer is this: We are bratty children that desire what we want then and there. Our desires might change from day to day, but when we desire it, we actually believe that it will be so amazing and our lives will be forever perfect.
While in search for their own hoodies and coats this past Sunday, Mom and Sara stumbled on my beloved Priest. I praised God and thanked him for both that jacket and the others he sent just for me.
As more jobs enter our lives, the threat of spending more money than we should pay our debts comes into reality. We have found that we are eating out more and I know I have been spending more on coffee than I should.
I have taken it upon myself to keep an inventory on the food and disposable items that we contain. I plan to use this inventory as a weapon against that threat. We need to go back to basics with our income and pay only our debt after we gain what we really need. For example: Charlie and I plan to turn to instant coffee out at the camp site to avoid getting coffee from the McDs down the highway. Even though the small coffees there are only a dollar, seven dollars a week will add up quickly. With only a can of instant coffee, plus sugar and creamer, we will only be spending three dollars every week.
Our first struggle was to face the wild with no money, now we face the wild with money. To be honest, the first one was far easier than the other. Yet, as we pray to Abba (God) for guidence, I know that we will learn a greater lesson: God will always provide even when you think that you have more money to provide for yourself.
--Night
Monday, October 14, 2013
10/14/2013
Since we have been back at the campsite, new developments have happened since my last entry. I was going to post some entries in the past, but things had changed from hour to hour.
First thing was, I remember posting about Jody, my ex-step-father appearing to my mother and sister at the Church Under the Bridge. My last post was from a writer whose mind was in a state of anger and depression; the reason why I bring this state of mind up is because I do not want it understood that I was upset about Jody entering our lives again. I was unbiased about the situation, however I was slightly angered by the idea of him not respecting our boundries ... If we have any anymore.
In a mere few days since Jody's surprise visit, things started to unwravel between us four. I started to reach out to some past friends on Facebook for comfort; Charlie started to shut down; Mom was distracted by Jody's antics and Sara had taken the offer to stay with a co-worker in Jacksonville until her employment ends at the end of this month. To top things off, I had slammed head first into a terrible sinus infection, which caused my two back molars on the left side of my head to throb with such intensity, I missed one night's sleep and nearly over dosed on medication. Horrible.
I guess Satan was really working on us this weekend.
It appeared that Jody was going to be in our fifth wheel during this journey, but as truth came out and the situation revealed its true nature, he ended up back at his home. With regard to Jody's personal life, I'd rather not explain as to why he went home. Even though we believe that there is a big lesson to what we learned from Jody's apperance, for the sake of others that are not involved in our lives, I will remain silent about the matter. To safely put it, Jody links us to other people and those others are not involved in our lives anymore, but these others are in fact heavily involved in Jody's life. It came down for him to make a decision and in some way, we forced the right one.
By the time my sinus infection was gone, Mother had the task of facing her new job at Hobby Lobby. Granted, she loves enteracting with customers in the fabric department, but she is not used to the hands on type of work. Most of her past experience has been in accounting or office work, so this would be the first time in a long time that she has entered the retail world. So far, a lot of back aches, sore feet and hurting shoulders. Yet, she enters it daily with a smile. Her hours are very confusing, mainly require her to be there everyday, but all in all, she enjoys it.
Sara faces a challenge everyday staying with her co-worker/friend in Jacksonville. Every night, she sleeps in a bed, hides under shelter and watches television. Her revelation was that she did not see the need to have these things anymore. It was as though she could not enjoy the luxuries that she once had. To add, Sara is in constant worry about us out at the campsite. I pray for her because I cannot always be there to comfort her.
Charlie struggles with her job. She shared with us that she constantly has flashback memories of our old house at Athens before the fire and the rental place in Tyler. As I spoke to her about this, we came to the conclusion that there is a good chance Charlie is looking for a safe place to "Explode."
I love Charlie with all my heart, but like I and Mother, Charlie hordes emotion and bottles it up. This habit happens even with the smallest of troubles we face as a family, so you can imagine how much emotion she is bottling up out here in the woods, homeless and without too much money to pay our debts. Also, Charlie has the daily trouble of her new job at Hastings. This is a perfect cocktail of rage and emotion shook up in a bottle just waiting to explode. She hasn't already exploded about this situation, but what does sooth her fear that she will is our constant praise and assurance that we will love her no matter what.
I am a little embarassed to admit that I did reach out on Facebook to a young woman, whom I have had feelings for a long time. How we met was at work, but I did not ask her out when that first meeting occured. She was dating someone at the time and I was her boss, two things that go against my rule of flirting. Even though I didn't know this young woman very well, I did want to spend more time with her outside of the lab. She was just so nice and sweet, with a love of literature that I shared. Yet, I did program my mind to understand that I should only care for her as a friend at the lab and no more. Even though I reminded myself there was nothing between us, I felt this urge to protect her and keep her safe, something that I never had for someone other than my mother and two sisters.
With Jody down and the possibility of he and Mom be-friending each other once more, I decided to pursue other interests with this young woman. Using the power of the social network known as Facebook, I sent the woman a message and waited. It was merely just an invite to watch a new horror movie that came out, again, a love of horror movies is an interest we share.
Before the invite, she and I were talking about new things, such as how the lab was going and how my new job was working out. I must remind my readers that none of my personal past friends know of my current situation. True, I have shared a link to this blog on Facebook, but other than the "likes" that I receive, there are no responses or comments left about it. Other than the links that I send out about my personal site and this blog, I remain silent about my situation. It is my belief that the truth is right under everyones nose, you just have to look down and search. So, she and I only spoke of other things than what I am doing now.
My invite was inquiring about last Friday, at that time three days away. I thought that would be enough time for her to look over her schedule and see. Even though I believe it would have been kind to respond with, "Um, let me check and get back to you." Or, "No thank you." Yet, I checked my Facebook every night to see what she would say. I didn't hang on the edge of my seat during that time, because I felt that either way, I would respond with only kindness.
Secretly, down in my heart, a passion was brewing; a very dangerous passion. I was given visions of romantic walks with this young woman, holding hands and laughing. I thought about the woods that I lived in and thought of how everyday I spent with her would be romantic just spending time in nature.
I should have known that all of those visions were traps, but I left my feelings to the Lord. He knew better what to do with them than I would.
Friday came and I recieved no answer.
My blood boiled and those visions turned into I standing in a room filled with people pointing fingers at me and laughing. Horrible nightmares, if you ask me. Finally, as though my prayers had been answered, she answered back at three in the after noon:
"Sorry it took so long to get back to you. Sorry, not this weekend."
I responded quickly:
"Totally cool. Have a great weekend."
She came back with:
"You too!"
That was it. Another rejection from some random girl I had a serious crush on. I must point out that I have never been the "Ladies Man." I have never been in love. Granted I have been a big brother to most women, but the few that I have asked out only rejected me because I was "Too sweet."
Over the years, I have, had, developed an attituded about love. I hated those that swam in the passion petal pool and wished everyday that I could destroy the very fabric of the damn feeling. Yet, I was new now and I did not partake in hatred. I had to bounce back from the rejection and not hate myself or others. It was struggle to do so.
The stronger I became, the louder the voices in my head became. I eventually started to snap at my family and felt the heavy bolder of depression on my chest. In desperation, I turned to the only answer I could find: The word.
God's word is more than just boring ramblings you read at church. It isn't a paper weight and it isn't a fashion piece. It is a book, and books are designed to expand your knowledge. It is created to help you to understand what God needs you to know.
I prayed for the right scripture and he turned my eyes to Song of Solomon. I had once heard that Songs was a love poem between Solomon and his bride, but I had never read it before. Questions popped up in my mind while reading this emotional book. "Why would you tell me to read this?" Yet, the only answer I gained was, "Because you will understand the feelings between the two lovers."
Songs is a very passionate book about love, romance and sex. Its very core is perfection and walks side by side on how I feel I would react to the woman I fall in love with. Yet, as I read its words, I stumbled upon a phrase from SHE in the book: "... Do not stir or awaken love until it pleases." That phrase stuck in my mind after I read the book and I pondered over its meaning. Like a bolt of lightening, I was struck with the very idea of the meaning: "Do not force love, because love pleases God."
In a world filled with the very idea that love is a system of perfumes, nice bodies and perfect meeting places, it is hard to understand what love truly is. For the Master Teacher, love is His to weild and his to give. There for, if love between two lovers is not a system, then love is a gift sent by God at the right time for the right people. It was then that I realized that the love that I was looking for isn't found in a flirt or a wink, then to only say goodbye. The love that I want is intense with passion and strength. I need someone that I can rely on and share moments with and she the same. How can I jump from woman to woman every night just to find the "special person?" How can someone like I, a man with strong passion in his heart, treat love as a mere valentines day at elementry school?
I was also struck with this idea as well, which sort of explains my insane ramble above: If we willed love, then we can will ourselves into existance, which is something we know we did not do. In theory, the idea of controlling love is ideal, but when you actually think of it, the best relationships happened when no one was trying. They happened when they let go of the constant fear of the "romantic algorithim" and just let it happen.
So many times I have heard, "It is Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." Horrible phrase to repeat; it just sounds stupid to me. Yet, when I thought of this phrase at some point in this week, I thought of something else: "It is Adam and Eve, not Adam and Gwen, or Stacey, or Lisa, or ..." You see the point? "It is Adam and Eve, not Bob and Eve, or Jason and Eve ..." It is Adam and Eve; a relationship designed by God himself. If you read over Genesis again, you will realize that Adam did not pray to God for a companion, God saw it fit to create a companion for Adam because the man was lonely. It was all in God's time.
This might not be a revelation for you, but this was one for me. I have spent many years, since fifteen, struggling with being lonely. Yet, this answer came to be and lifted all those years of searching for an answer straight off my chest!
I pray for that young woman I asked out, I truly hope she finds someone to spend time with. As for me, I deleted my Facebook account and started a Night Author page instead. I have removed my past self entirely and look forward to the future. I don't know what lies ahead, but I plan to help my family get through their troubles and I know they will help me.
As I posted before, I pray for you dear reader in any trouble you have been having at the moment. I do hope that what I am writing is inspiring you to continue onward. The journey, the evolution revolution is not at the end. Pray for my family, pray that Charlie continues to stay strong; pray that my Mother continues with happiness; pray that my sister Sara will gain a stronger revelation through her stay with the good people at Jacksonville.
--Night
First thing was, I remember posting about Jody, my ex-step-father appearing to my mother and sister at the Church Under the Bridge. My last post was from a writer whose mind was in a state of anger and depression; the reason why I bring this state of mind up is because I do not want it understood that I was upset about Jody entering our lives again. I was unbiased about the situation, however I was slightly angered by the idea of him not respecting our boundries ... If we have any anymore.
In a mere few days since Jody's surprise visit, things started to unwravel between us four. I started to reach out to some past friends on Facebook for comfort; Charlie started to shut down; Mom was distracted by Jody's antics and Sara had taken the offer to stay with a co-worker in Jacksonville until her employment ends at the end of this month. To top things off, I had slammed head first into a terrible sinus infection, which caused my two back molars on the left side of my head to throb with such intensity, I missed one night's sleep and nearly over dosed on medication. Horrible.
I guess Satan was really working on us this weekend.
It appeared that Jody was going to be in our fifth wheel during this journey, but as truth came out and the situation revealed its true nature, he ended up back at his home. With regard to Jody's personal life, I'd rather not explain as to why he went home. Even though we believe that there is a big lesson to what we learned from Jody's apperance, for the sake of others that are not involved in our lives, I will remain silent about the matter. To safely put it, Jody links us to other people and those others are not involved in our lives anymore, but these others are in fact heavily involved in Jody's life. It came down for him to make a decision and in some way, we forced the right one.
By the time my sinus infection was gone, Mother had the task of facing her new job at Hobby Lobby. Granted, she loves enteracting with customers in the fabric department, but she is not used to the hands on type of work. Most of her past experience has been in accounting or office work, so this would be the first time in a long time that she has entered the retail world. So far, a lot of back aches, sore feet and hurting shoulders. Yet, she enters it daily with a smile. Her hours are very confusing, mainly require her to be there everyday, but all in all, she enjoys it.
Sara faces a challenge everyday staying with her co-worker/friend in Jacksonville. Every night, she sleeps in a bed, hides under shelter and watches television. Her revelation was that she did not see the need to have these things anymore. It was as though she could not enjoy the luxuries that she once had. To add, Sara is in constant worry about us out at the campsite. I pray for her because I cannot always be there to comfort her.
Charlie struggles with her job. She shared with us that she constantly has flashback memories of our old house at Athens before the fire and the rental place in Tyler. As I spoke to her about this, we came to the conclusion that there is a good chance Charlie is looking for a safe place to "Explode."
I love Charlie with all my heart, but like I and Mother, Charlie hordes emotion and bottles it up. This habit happens even with the smallest of troubles we face as a family, so you can imagine how much emotion she is bottling up out here in the woods, homeless and without too much money to pay our debts. Also, Charlie has the daily trouble of her new job at Hastings. This is a perfect cocktail of rage and emotion shook up in a bottle just waiting to explode. She hasn't already exploded about this situation, but what does sooth her fear that she will is our constant praise and assurance that we will love her no matter what.
I am a little embarassed to admit that I did reach out on Facebook to a young woman, whom I have had feelings for a long time. How we met was at work, but I did not ask her out when that first meeting occured. She was dating someone at the time and I was her boss, two things that go against my rule of flirting. Even though I didn't know this young woman very well, I did want to spend more time with her outside of the lab. She was just so nice and sweet, with a love of literature that I shared. Yet, I did program my mind to understand that I should only care for her as a friend at the lab and no more. Even though I reminded myself there was nothing between us, I felt this urge to protect her and keep her safe, something that I never had for someone other than my mother and two sisters.
With Jody down and the possibility of he and Mom be-friending each other once more, I decided to pursue other interests with this young woman. Using the power of the social network known as Facebook, I sent the woman a message and waited. It was merely just an invite to watch a new horror movie that came out, again, a love of horror movies is an interest we share.
Before the invite, she and I were talking about new things, such as how the lab was going and how my new job was working out. I must remind my readers that none of my personal past friends know of my current situation. True, I have shared a link to this blog on Facebook, but other than the "likes" that I receive, there are no responses or comments left about it. Other than the links that I send out about my personal site and this blog, I remain silent about my situation. It is my belief that the truth is right under everyones nose, you just have to look down and search. So, she and I only spoke of other things than what I am doing now.
My invite was inquiring about last Friday, at that time three days away. I thought that would be enough time for her to look over her schedule and see. Even though I believe it would have been kind to respond with, "Um, let me check and get back to you." Or, "No thank you." Yet, I checked my Facebook every night to see what she would say. I didn't hang on the edge of my seat during that time, because I felt that either way, I would respond with only kindness.
Secretly, down in my heart, a passion was brewing; a very dangerous passion. I was given visions of romantic walks with this young woman, holding hands and laughing. I thought about the woods that I lived in and thought of how everyday I spent with her would be romantic just spending time in nature.
I should have known that all of those visions were traps, but I left my feelings to the Lord. He knew better what to do with them than I would.
Friday came and I recieved no answer.
My blood boiled and those visions turned into I standing in a room filled with people pointing fingers at me and laughing. Horrible nightmares, if you ask me. Finally, as though my prayers had been answered, she answered back at three in the after noon:
"Sorry it took so long to get back to you. Sorry, not this weekend."
I responded quickly:
"Totally cool. Have a great weekend."
She came back with:
"You too!"
That was it. Another rejection from some random girl I had a serious crush on. I must point out that I have never been the "Ladies Man." I have never been in love. Granted I have been a big brother to most women, but the few that I have asked out only rejected me because I was "Too sweet."
Over the years, I have, had, developed an attituded about love. I hated those that swam in the passion petal pool and wished everyday that I could destroy the very fabric of the damn feeling. Yet, I was new now and I did not partake in hatred. I had to bounce back from the rejection and not hate myself or others. It was struggle to do so.
The stronger I became, the louder the voices in my head became. I eventually started to snap at my family and felt the heavy bolder of depression on my chest. In desperation, I turned to the only answer I could find: The word.
God's word is more than just boring ramblings you read at church. It isn't a paper weight and it isn't a fashion piece. It is a book, and books are designed to expand your knowledge. It is created to help you to understand what God needs you to know.
I prayed for the right scripture and he turned my eyes to Song of Solomon. I had once heard that Songs was a love poem between Solomon and his bride, but I had never read it before. Questions popped up in my mind while reading this emotional book. "Why would you tell me to read this?" Yet, the only answer I gained was, "Because you will understand the feelings between the two lovers."
Songs is a very passionate book about love, romance and sex. Its very core is perfection and walks side by side on how I feel I would react to the woman I fall in love with. Yet, as I read its words, I stumbled upon a phrase from SHE in the book: "... Do not stir or awaken love until it pleases." That phrase stuck in my mind after I read the book and I pondered over its meaning. Like a bolt of lightening, I was struck with the very idea of the meaning: "Do not force love, because love pleases God."
In a world filled with the very idea that love is a system of perfumes, nice bodies and perfect meeting places, it is hard to understand what love truly is. For the Master Teacher, love is His to weild and his to give. There for, if love between two lovers is not a system, then love is a gift sent by God at the right time for the right people. It was then that I realized that the love that I was looking for isn't found in a flirt or a wink, then to only say goodbye. The love that I want is intense with passion and strength. I need someone that I can rely on and share moments with and she the same. How can I jump from woman to woman every night just to find the "special person?" How can someone like I, a man with strong passion in his heart, treat love as a mere valentines day at elementry school?
I was also struck with this idea as well, which sort of explains my insane ramble above: If we willed love, then we can will ourselves into existance, which is something we know we did not do. In theory, the idea of controlling love is ideal, but when you actually think of it, the best relationships happened when no one was trying. They happened when they let go of the constant fear of the "romantic algorithim" and just let it happen.
So many times I have heard, "It is Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." Horrible phrase to repeat; it just sounds stupid to me. Yet, when I thought of this phrase at some point in this week, I thought of something else: "It is Adam and Eve, not Adam and Gwen, or Stacey, or Lisa, or ..." You see the point? "It is Adam and Eve, not Bob and Eve, or Jason and Eve ..." It is Adam and Eve; a relationship designed by God himself. If you read over Genesis again, you will realize that Adam did not pray to God for a companion, God saw it fit to create a companion for Adam because the man was lonely. It was all in God's time.
This might not be a revelation for you, but this was one for me. I have spent many years, since fifteen, struggling with being lonely. Yet, this answer came to be and lifted all those years of searching for an answer straight off my chest!
I pray for that young woman I asked out, I truly hope she finds someone to spend time with. As for me, I deleted my Facebook account and started a Night Author page instead. I have removed my past self entirely and look forward to the future. I don't know what lies ahead, but I plan to help my family get through their troubles and I know they will help me.
As I posted before, I pray for you dear reader in any trouble you have been having at the moment. I do hope that what I am writing is inspiring you to continue onward. The journey, the evolution revolution is not at the end. Pray for my family, pray that Charlie continues to stay strong; pray that my Mother continues with happiness; pray that my sister Sara will gain a stronger revelation through her stay with the good people at Jacksonville.
--Night
Sunday, October 6, 2013
10/6/2013
Even though I have been renewed in my faith and my spirit grows stronger, I run low on energy. I grow weary of the people around me and I know that tired feeling will only lead me down into the path of the boundless rage I felt before.
Mother and Charlie feel the same. They agree that there is need to return back into the woods away from the prying eyes and the constant questions. We need a place of rest in the Lord to gain strength to face the inner and outward demons of this world.
I had grown too tired of facing people and asked for a leave of abscence from our church routine. Mother and Sara agreed to let me go to the park to select our new home for the week. They went ahead of me to visit the church and Charlie went to work at Hastings for the day.
My stomach twisted; it had not been the same since yesterday. I am uncertain if it is an ulcer or something that I gained througout this week, but I feel sick. Yet, I pushed onward to gain a spot in this wooden home. As I drove into the park's H.Q, I received a call on my cell. It was Jody.
The message that he left on my phone made it very clear that he was in our area and that he was wanting to visit us at the church. I paniced and told Sara and Mom about Jody arriving to make a surprise visit. I feared that Mom could not handle his constant questions and pushing, but I also knew there was little I could do. I had warned him not to visit us because we all knew Jody, out of all people, would not be able to accept this. Although it is a kind gesture for him to worry about us, it becomes very tiresome to tell him to stay away and to keep him silent.
As I had mentioned, I was growing tired. My rage was getting the best of me as I continued the battle in my mind and heart. If Jody called upon us and suprised us early on in the week, I might have been strong enough to handle him. However, since I am weak and fear the old self would return, I knew that I was not in the best of forms to speak with him.
Once at the park, I turned to my Bible and prayed for strength. The book that I was told to read was Ecclesiastes, I read chapter one until chapter four. The author was named The Preacher and he spoke of the vanity that man had. No matter what the man did or said on the behalf of wisedom and God, it was all vanity. At first, I wasn't sure how to take this scripture reading and I asked God for a better understanding. After my prayer, I sat at the park bench and stared out over the lake. My brain buzzed with a theory and hope that I had stumbled onto what God wanted me to learn.
What I had learned: Even holy wise men can do things in the name sake of vanity without knowing it. I felt it kind to feel that I was in the category of wise men, since the scripture spoke of things that I had thought of in my youth. However, I understood why I was tired and lost my energy. Even though I was wise and I believed that my heart was for the Lord; my mouth spoke only about God and my mind thought on his will. Yet, this was still about me. I forgot that this was a journey into the world to understand what God wanted for our lives. I forgot that there are more in this world that need to hear what God wants. I forgot that there were three others that were going through the same thing that I was going through. I was living in the mind set of vanity and I was loosing energy because I cared only for myself and thought only on my own journey.
In my youth, I have been in the spotlight too many times. I would stand out when things grew troublesome to become the jester; when times called for a preacher, I opened my mouth and let out what I thought about. In this journey Without Walls, I have done the same things and made it all about myself. This started out a journey for God, but then I started to fall into the pit of vanity like most holy men and women. I had made myself into my own personal idol.
Is there a way to break that? There is, but it is a daily chore. To constantly pray on his will and realize that you are not in control. You must realize that you are not the one in the spotlight. There is no spotlight, only a bright light hanging over us. We are all on God's radar and none of us are single in his will. Like sentences on a page, we connect to make one coherent story, point, poem and song. Without the other sentences, we cannot thrive.
I know that I need a chance to be alone, but I will not always be alone. I cannot just run away from all around me to retreat into the woods, into A Home Without Walls. I know there will be people trying to call and making surprise cameos in my story, but I cannot let that effect what I am doing. If they want to be a part of this world, this journey that I am in, then they will have to conduct in what I am doing as well as I should keep my mouth shut to listen to them.
I don't know who you are, dear reader. We have never met and I do not know your name. However, every night I want to say a little prayer for you. I don't know what trouble you face and I don't know what harm you are going through. This journal I started on blogger is not only to tell you what is happening to I and my family, but to reach out to you and let you know that you are not alone. No one is alone in this world. You may think so because of the horrible vanity you wear on your shoulders, but I pray for you to let down that weight and to allow others near you. Think of others as well as yourself. All the things we do might be for vanity, but as long as we do not let it harm us, we can turn to the Lord for strength to beat it.
As for Jody, I do hope he can enter this with an open mind. What he is about to uncover might be a challenge for us. He is going to push us out; he wants to "save" us from this pit. He doesn't realize that this was a choice to grow closer to God. He isn't going to like our answer when he asks: "Will you let me take you guys out of this?"
I also know that it is a test on our will. We have to remember that this isn't a surprise from Jody, but God's will.
--Night
Mother and Charlie feel the same. They agree that there is need to return back into the woods away from the prying eyes and the constant questions. We need a place of rest in the Lord to gain strength to face the inner and outward demons of this world.
I had grown too tired of facing people and asked for a leave of abscence from our church routine. Mother and Sara agreed to let me go to the park to select our new home for the week. They went ahead of me to visit the church and Charlie went to work at Hastings for the day.
My stomach twisted; it had not been the same since yesterday. I am uncertain if it is an ulcer or something that I gained througout this week, but I feel sick. Yet, I pushed onward to gain a spot in this wooden home. As I drove into the park's H.Q, I received a call on my cell. It was Jody.
The message that he left on my phone made it very clear that he was in our area and that he was wanting to visit us at the church. I paniced and told Sara and Mom about Jody arriving to make a surprise visit. I feared that Mom could not handle his constant questions and pushing, but I also knew there was little I could do. I had warned him not to visit us because we all knew Jody, out of all people, would not be able to accept this. Although it is a kind gesture for him to worry about us, it becomes very tiresome to tell him to stay away and to keep him silent.
As I had mentioned, I was growing tired. My rage was getting the best of me as I continued the battle in my mind and heart. If Jody called upon us and suprised us early on in the week, I might have been strong enough to handle him. However, since I am weak and fear the old self would return, I knew that I was not in the best of forms to speak with him.
Once at the park, I turned to my Bible and prayed for strength. The book that I was told to read was Ecclesiastes, I read chapter one until chapter four. The author was named The Preacher and he spoke of the vanity that man had. No matter what the man did or said on the behalf of wisedom and God, it was all vanity. At first, I wasn't sure how to take this scripture reading and I asked God for a better understanding. After my prayer, I sat at the park bench and stared out over the lake. My brain buzzed with a theory and hope that I had stumbled onto what God wanted me to learn.
What I had learned: Even holy wise men can do things in the name sake of vanity without knowing it. I felt it kind to feel that I was in the category of wise men, since the scripture spoke of things that I had thought of in my youth. However, I understood why I was tired and lost my energy. Even though I was wise and I believed that my heart was for the Lord; my mouth spoke only about God and my mind thought on his will. Yet, this was still about me. I forgot that this was a journey into the world to understand what God wanted for our lives. I forgot that there are more in this world that need to hear what God wants. I forgot that there were three others that were going through the same thing that I was going through. I was living in the mind set of vanity and I was loosing energy because I cared only for myself and thought only on my own journey.
In my youth, I have been in the spotlight too many times. I would stand out when things grew troublesome to become the jester; when times called for a preacher, I opened my mouth and let out what I thought about. In this journey Without Walls, I have done the same things and made it all about myself. This started out a journey for God, but then I started to fall into the pit of vanity like most holy men and women. I had made myself into my own personal idol.
Is there a way to break that? There is, but it is a daily chore. To constantly pray on his will and realize that you are not in control. You must realize that you are not the one in the spotlight. There is no spotlight, only a bright light hanging over us. We are all on God's radar and none of us are single in his will. Like sentences on a page, we connect to make one coherent story, point, poem and song. Without the other sentences, we cannot thrive.
I know that I need a chance to be alone, but I will not always be alone. I cannot just run away from all around me to retreat into the woods, into A Home Without Walls. I know there will be people trying to call and making surprise cameos in my story, but I cannot let that effect what I am doing. If they want to be a part of this world, this journey that I am in, then they will have to conduct in what I am doing as well as I should keep my mouth shut to listen to them.
I don't know who you are, dear reader. We have never met and I do not know your name. However, every night I want to say a little prayer for you. I don't know what trouble you face and I don't know what harm you are going through. This journal I started on blogger is not only to tell you what is happening to I and my family, but to reach out to you and let you know that you are not alone. No one is alone in this world. You may think so because of the horrible vanity you wear on your shoulders, but I pray for you to let down that weight and to allow others near you. Think of others as well as yourself. All the things we do might be for vanity, but as long as we do not let it harm us, we can turn to the Lord for strength to beat it.
As for Jody, I do hope he can enter this with an open mind. What he is about to uncover might be a challenge for us. He is going to push us out; he wants to "save" us from this pit. He doesn't realize that this was a choice to grow closer to God. He isn't going to like our answer when he asks: "Will you let me take you guys out of this?"
I also know that it is a test on our will. We have to remember that this isn't a surprise from Jody, but God's will.
--Night
Friday, October 4, 2013
10/4/2013
There are moments in your life that you meet new people. When you meet these people, they can either enrich your life or destroy it. As Christians we become consumed with the ideal of helping someone. It becomes such a passion, desire or obssesion, that we loose factor what it means to fellowship: We spend time with like minded people.
When you trap yourself in a wooden box, by that I mean a house, you loose factor who you can be meeting up with. We loose the ability to communicate with people eye to eye. There is something beautiful watching their facial movement when they speak about something that has inspired them. Standing in front of someone, speaking to them eye to eye, you are forced to listen to them.
I believe that is the reason why Jesus did not appear in this time and age to lead us, to inspire us. He, our Father, knew we would be the one generation with thick wax that cover our ears and heavy dark shades to hide our eyes. Our hearts, still young and full of life, would feel trapped and plugged into our social network. We have grown to accept that people must live in a box, because how would they be able to communicate if it not for the television or phone? How could they talk to us, if they couldn't write in horrible grammer and quick letters?
Like most of us, I think of Jesus as the person smiling and walking with people, possibly playing with children. We always want to remember Jesus as the man of suffering that transformed into the Lord that rose into the heavens, yet that isn't what Jesus wanted us to see. If he wanted us to see his suffering, he would have appeared to the world on the cross and his torment would begin and last for thirty years. It is far easier to believe in a God that suffered for us than a God that loved us. As flesh toting humans, we believe that suffering is the path to righteousness. We want to believe that we will suffer for a certain amount of time only to gain a reward. Christians, like most religions, believe that we all will suffer but will gain a reward in heaven.
I think of God as a kind parent that gives you a gift everyday. A man who loves his children enough to teach them a lesson by punishing them, yet cries when they are in pain. Like most parents, I may not be reffering to parents in this generation, he wants us to be happy and will give us gifts everyday along with lessons.
The one gift God sent me today was a conversation with an elderly gent named Ron. A man in the golden age of seventy, with a heart of gold and enough money to get himself a coffee. We spoke about the current events of the shut down to government, the love of our Christ and the troubles he faced.
Since I gained a job at Suddenlink and have more money in my pocket then I did the other day, I felt as though I should offer the man a meal or something. I felt that I should help him out some way. However, God had other plans; He told me to rest, enjoy my soda and speak with the man. I knew then that God was offering me a gift. A chance to speak with someone that could inspire me.
Charlie and I had a laugh afterwards because the man assumed that I was married to her, but in fact we are brother and sister. We continued the charade because Ron couldn't hear that well and seemed to not have his memory that he had in his youth. He spoke loudly which meant Charlie and I had to speak loudly. This meant that everyone in the resturant of McDs could hear our conversation on how God loves us so much and how God has a plan for our lives. That, in itself, was a gift.
The only regret I have was when I shook the man's hand and told him my name. I said the words: I hope and pray things turn out good for you. It is the very phrase that all of us use to someone that we believe is less fortunate than we are. I have always hated that phrase, but I used it on impulse. But, if I didn't use those exact words, Ron wouldn't have said his next sentence and God wouldn't have put me in my place.
"I don't have to wonder if good things will happen to me, young man, I know. I have God carrying me at the moment."
Out of the world of assuming and thinking, Ron knew that God was going to give him a gift everyday because he knows his father.
I pray for you Ron and I hope all of you readers out there say a prayer for the stocky elderly gent traveling around in a truck and in God's grace.
--Night
When you trap yourself in a wooden box, by that I mean a house, you loose factor who you can be meeting up with. We loose the ability to communicate with people eye to eye. There is something beautiful watching their facial movement when they speak about something that has inspired them. Standing in front of someone, speaking to them eye to eye, you are forced to listen to them.
I believe that is the reason why Jesus did not appear in this time and age to lead us, to inspire us. He, our Father, knew we would be the one generation with thick wax that cover our ears and heavy dark shades to hide our eyes. Our hearts, still young and full of life, would feel trapped and plugged into our social network. We have grown to accept that people must live in a box, because how would they be able to communicate if it not for the television or phone? How could they talk to us, if they couldn't write in horrible grammer and quick letters?
Like most of us, I think of Jesus as the person smiling and walking with people, possibly playing with children. We always want to remember Jesus as the man of suffering that transformed into the Lord that rose into the heavens, yet that isn't what Jesus wanted us to see. If he wanted us to see his suffering, he would have appeared to the world on the cross and his torment would begin and last for thirty years. It is far easier to believe in a God that suffered for us than a God that loved us. As flesh toting humans, we believe that suffering is the path to righteousness. We want to believe that we will suffer for a certain amount of time only to gain a reward. Christians, like most religions, believe that we all will suffer but will gain a reward in heaven.
I think of God as a kind parent that gives you a gift everyday. A man who loves his children enough to teach them a lesson by punishing them, yet cries when they are in pain. Like most parents, I may not be reffering to parents in this generation, he wants us to be happy and will give us gifts everyday along with lessons.
The one gift God sent me today was a conversation with an elderly gent named Ron. A man in the golden age of seventy, with a heart of gold and enough money to get himself a coffee. We spoke about the current events of the shut down to government, the love of our Christ and the troubles he faced.
Since I gained a job at Suddenlink and have more money in my pocket then I did the other day, I felt as though I should offer the man a meal or something. I felt that I should help him out some way. However, God had other plans; He told me to rest, enjoy my soda and speak with the man. I knew then that God was offering me a gift. A chance to speak with someone that could inspire me.
Charlie and I had a laugh afterwards because the man assumed that I was married to her, but in fact we are brother and sister. We continued the charade because Ron couldn't hear that well and seemed to not have his memory that he had in his youth. He spoke loudly which meant Charlie and I had to speak loudly. This meant that everyone in the resturant of McDs could hear our conversation on how God loves us so much and how God has a plan for our lives. That, in itself, was a gift.
The only regret I have was when I shook the man's hand and told him my name. I said the words: I hope and pray things turn out good for you. It is the very phrase that all of us use to someone that we believe is less fortunate than we are. I have always hated that phrase, but I used it on impulse. But, if I didn't use those exact words, Ron wouldn't have said his next sentence and God wouldn't have put me in my place.
"I don't have to wonder if good things will happen to me, young man, I know. I have God carrying me at the moment."
Out of the world of assuming and thinking, Ron knew that God was going to give him a gift everyday because he knows his father.
I pray for you Ron and I hope all of you readers out there say a prayer for the stocky elderly gent traveling around in a truck and in God's grace.
--Night
Thursday, October 3, 2013
10/3/2013
The world around us is expanding and growing everyday, we just don't see it. To our human eyes, a city can shrink due to a vehicle that can bring you to one end of the city to the other within a few minutes, but what we do not factor in is the question: What if you walked from one end of the city to the other? In possiblility, it could take you an hour to all day.
I have been the type of person that feels as though he were looking through a set of virtual reality goggles. Sure, everything seems real with pictures and sound. I can see my hands and feet. However, there is a feeling that there is so much more waiting underneath that reality.
I belive that every human being has that feeling. Searching for the connection between what we see and what we truly feel is real is the lifetime adventure. It is our treasure map and the finish is a giant red X.
A thought occured to me today: What if we never find that X? We spend our entire lives searching and using people, items and pleasure to replace that connection wire between our human eyes and our spiritual eyes. We become desperate to find that missing X, but we waste time looking for something to change our lives. We are wasting our time with material and pleasurable moments to connect our spiritual eyes to our human ones.
As a Christian, I guess I assume that I do not need to search for that metaphoric X. Not because I claim that I have finally found that missing wire to connect my inner being with my flesh, but I am saying that I have come to rest with the idea that I will not find a "physical" X. Why waste my time using things or people around me to make me feel better, when all I know is that in the end that good feeling will fade away quickly. The very idea of that a material item or person can improve the missing piece within me is just a joke anymore.
Here is another way of looking at it; What kind of mind set are you in when you enter a hotel for vacation? The room is clean; the A/C feels nice; there is a pool just an elevator drop away; you can make a call and have food sent up to your room. Spend one hour in a hotel room and you will come to realize that you leave trash all around and care less to fold the blankets on the bed. To you, this is a temprary stay and there for you will treat it as such. You become blind to how you treat this little home for the weekend and act like a savaged human. Eventually, you will return home to comfort and peace. Your mind will settle and will become focused.
Our lives through this world is one big vacation. We treat the world with disrespect, or try our hardest to clean it up. We deal with the people on the upper floor and on the bottom floor. The pool we swim in have others in it. We are distracted by the items in the hotel and choose to gorge ourselves on junk food. It will not be until we go home, our true home in heaven, when we will decide to focus and loose our nonsense.
--Night
I have been the type of person that feels as though he were looking through a set of virtual reality goggles. Sure, everything seems real with pictures and sound. I can see my hands and feet. However, there is a feeling that there is so much more waiting underneath that reality.
I belive that every human being has that feeling. Searching for the connection between what we see and what we truly feel is real is the lifetime adventure. It is our treasure map and the finish is a giant red X.
A thought occured to me today: What if we never find that X? We spend our entire lives searching and using people, items and pleasure to replace that connection wire between our human eyes and our spiritual eyes. We become desperate to find that missing X, but we waste time looking for something to change our lives. We are wasting our time with material and pleasurable moments to connect our spiritual eyes to our human ones.
As a Christian, I guess I assume that I do not need to search for that metaphoric X. Not because I claim that I have finally found that missing wire to connect my inner being with my flesh, but I am saying that I have come to rest with the idea that I will not find a "physical" X. Why waste my time using things or people around me to make me feel better, when all I know is that in the end that good feeling will fade away quickly. The very idea of that a material item or person can improve the missing piece within me is just a joke anymore.
Here is another way of looking at it; What kind of mind set are you in when you enter a hotel for vacation? The room is clean; the A/C feels nice; there is a pool just an elevator drop away; you can make a call and have food sent up to your room. Spend one hour in a hotel room and you will come to realize that you leave trash all around and care less to fold the blankets on the bed. To you, this is a temprary stay and there for you will treat it as such. You become blind to how you treat this little home for the weekend and act like a savaged human. Eventually, you will return home to comfort and peace. Your mind will settle and will become focused.
Our lives through this world is one big vacation. We treat the world with disrespect, or try our hardest to clean it up. We deal with the people on the upper floor and on the bottom floor. The pool we swim in have others in it. We are distracted by the items in the hotel and choose to gorge ourselves on junk food. It will not be until we go home, our true home in heaven, when we will decide to focus and loose our nonsense.
--Night
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
10/2/2013
I sat in lobby filled with flat screen television, each playing a channel that I haven't watched in a good year now. Since the fire, I haven't had any source of cable or television channels; I did however have Netflix to catch up on my favorite series like Supernatural, but I had to wait forever for the next season to hit the streaming network.
Speaking of streaming networks, did you know that Full Moon Pictures is starting their very own streaming? They were the ones that created the Puppet Master series and other B-Movie genres like The Evil Bong and many others. If I do plan to get a place along with some internet, I am most likely going to get that streaming series.
Anyway, I filled out my paperwork today to start at Suddenlink and I happen to browse over the hourly pay I will be receiving. I had to calculate it, but I found out that I would be making as much as I would have if I joined the Correctional Officers in Palestine TX. I will also be making more on the side with my part time Old Navy job.
I left my three year part time career at the Tyler Junior College Computer Lab to pursue a 2k a month salary at the prison in Palestine TX. I assumed that I was doing good to join such a demanding work force, but I had no idea what the job entitled. At first, I thought of the television shows that had a gaurd standing with shot gun in hand and telling prisoners what to do. However, I soon learned that the prisons in Texas are a little bit more chaotic than I pictured.
I witnessed in the unit I was working in, an inmate who had cat skins pinned on his wall. I learned later that the inmates could house pets and breed them in the prison itself. There was another inmate that would capture Black Widow spiders in a jar and would threaten to smash the jar of spiders at the feet of the gaurds. Truly a mad house.
Comparing that to sitting in a room filled with like minded people, getting breaks to vape and enjoying a cup of coffee at my station, you can imagine how much I praise God at the moment.
I respect those in law enforcement and those that work in the prison system, but it isn't a job for me. I am the type of person who likes to enjoy his day and help people. Prison is a place you do not want to work or to be in.
With benefits and pay, working in Suddenlink seems exciting and wonderful. I know I couldn't have worked in a call center when I was my past self. I thought of myself as too good for a call center and that I was a man of direction rather than a man that helps others.
In some way, and I am not certain if I should really put this much credit to the prison system, I feel like I died and was resurrected into a new life. Perhaps, I feel that there has been a change to the system. Yet, when I look over the things I am a part of, I realize that I conducting in what I wanted to avoid: Being homeless, working in a call center, spending time out in the open with people all around me.
The things I was trying to avoid has changed me, so it brings up the next question: Was I the one trying to avoid these things, or was it something more demonic that wanted to avoid the change from my former self into a beacon to the world?
--Night
NFN On Air: I have taken my theme to inspirational videos to Spreaker online radio. Please check it out and share.
Speaking of streaming networks, did you know that Full Moon Pictures is starting their very own streaming? They were the ones that created the Puppet Master series and other B-Movie genres like The Evil Bong and many others. If I do plan to get a place along with some internet, I am most likely going to get that streaming series.
Anyway, I filled out my paperwork today to start at Suddenlink and I happen to browse over the hourly pay I will be receiving. I had to calculate it, but I found out that I would be making as much as I would have if I joined the Correctional Officers in Palestine TX. I will also be making more on the side with my part time Old Navy job.
I left my three year part time career at the Tyler Junior College Computer Lab to pursue a 2k a month salary at the prison in Palestine TX. I assumed that I was doing good to join such a demanding work force, but I had no idea what the job entitled. At first, I thought of the television shows that had a gaurd standing with shot gun in hand and telling prisoners what to do. However, I soon learned that the prisons in Texas are a little bit more chaotic than I pictured.
I witnessed in the unit I was working in, an inmate who had cat skins pinned on his wall. I learned later that the inmates could house pets and breed them in the prison itself. There was another inmate that would capture Black Widow spiders in a jar and would threaten to smash the jar of spiders at the feet of the gaurds. Truly a mad house.
Comparing that to sitting in a room filled with like minded people, getting breaks to vape and enjoying a cup of coffee at my station, you can imagine how much I praise God at the moment.
I respect those in law enforcement and those that work in the prison system, but it isn't a job for me. I am the type of person who likes to enjoy his day and help people. Prison is a place you do not want to work or to be in.
With benefits and pay, working in Suddenlink seems exciting and wonderful. I know I couldn't have worked in a call center when I was my past self. I thought of myself as too good for a call center and that I was a man of direction rather than a man that helps others.
In some way, and I am not certain if I should really put this much credit to the prison system, I feel like I died and was resurrected into a new life. Perhaps, I feel that there has been a change to the system. Yet, when I look over the things I am a part of, I realize that I conducting in what I wanted to avoid: Being homeless, working in a call center, spending time out in the open with people all around me.
The things I was trying to avoid has changed me, so it brings up the next question: Was I the one trying to avoid these things, or was it something more demonic that wanted to avoid the change from my former self into a beacon to the world?
--Night
NFN On Air: I have taken my theme to inspirational videos to Spreaker online radio. Please check it out and share.
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